" I believe.....no matter how badly your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop and wait for you to grieve. "

"Keep Holding On"

You're not alone

Together we stand

I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold

And it feels like the end

There's no place to go

You know I won't give in

No I won't give in

Keep holding on'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do

There's no other way when it comes to the truth



So far away

I wish you were here

Before it's too late, this could all disappear

Before the doors close

And it comes to an end

With you by my side I will fight and defend

I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe

Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny

Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Avril lavigne

So I've officially become a red-head.

I don't quite know how I feel about the change...I've been a blonde for a very long time. We'll see if it stays.

There's a mish-mash of stuff to say, most of pretty boring.

I'm not quite in the holiday mood and I wish I were. I have to be. I love Christmas too much not to be. I just don't have the motivation right now. I need Santa's elves to come in and set up my decorations for me.

Any volunteers???

Like I said there's much to say, just not the words to be found.

Mourning is not forgetting . . . It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous."

-- Margery Allingham -- The Tiger in the Smoke

Today has been a strange day. My emotions have swung almost to extreme. At some points I felt so grateful for my life...for my family especially my kids and the hub, my friends..those of whom I've known forever and the ones I've recently met.

Other moments were sad. Just plain sad.

I haven't in 4 years been able to keep a picture of my mom up, it still hurts too much but the day after my step-dad's service I put one of him and I at my wedding on my fridge door. I see it constantly and a lot of the times I feel the urge to take it down. It causes me pain that I am sometimes trying to avoid. But I make myself keep it there. Hoping that it will eventually just seem normal and that may help me put up one of my mom.

I had an urge today to hear his voice so I called his number. While I dialed I had the radio on, a station I constantly listen to. I stood in my kitchen with my heart beating fast, known no one was going to pick up and at the same time praying/hoping he would answer. He didn't but his machine did. It's the first time I made myself listen to the recording. It made me miss him in a way I haven't let myself feel in the past 2 weeks.

I stood in my kitchen with tears streaming down my face and guess what song came on the radio?

Yes, my mom's funeral song: A thousand miles.

She wanted me to know she was there. It must be hard on her to see my cry. As parents we do everything in our power to take away our children's pain and she can't do that for me anymore in the way I desperately need her to at times. It's just not the same. Life is just not the same and it never will be.

Don't worry, I really am okay...I know that I am strong, as strong as everyone else I know and love but I just miss them in ways I can't even describe to myself.....

I stole this from Irish Eyes....I would link her but don't have a clue how (anyone want to help tell me how to??)
The bold is what I have done:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo - does getting one count?
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children-raising children right now
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safar
i115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- killed but didn't prepare
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Finished a marathon

Warning: I'm venting!!!

It's always so disappointing when you find out someone that you loved and considered family or a friend does something that completely changes your entire view of them and makes you wonder if you ever really knew them at all. This can happen even when they don't necessarily do anything to you directly. They may do it to someone else you love and I wonder if sometimes that's even worse. Because then your protective instinct rears its head and we all know how that can be.

I'm just confused and disappointed and it just adds to the already overwheming pile of emotions from this past week.

UGH!

McGaw, Sean Peter

Pete passed away suddenly but peacefully on November 7, 2006.
His journey in this life is now complete and he is with the love of his life, Linda.
Remembering and missing him, is his son Ryan Barnhardt, daughters Michelle (Darren) Lyon, and Carol (Mark) Jorgensen, his mother Helen and his brother Robert in England.

Besides his wife and children, his greatest joys were his grandchildren, Nicole and Austin Lyon and Emily and Erin Todd.

He is also remembered by Linda's family: Bryan and Vicky Shrieves, Jim and Carol McPhail,
Sherry and Scott Adams, Carol McPhail, Betty Shrieves and their families, and his numerous family members and friends in England especially Pete’s longtime friends Ian and Madeline Richards.

Special friends Brian and Sheila Macklin, Bob and Rhonda Gyurkivits and Jim and Wilma Croisdale will miss their daily calls, breakfasts, golf games, and chats with Pete.

There are countless other friends Pete met through his years of playing soccer, his employment as a Millwright at Cominco and recently his volunteer work with the Wasa Lions Club and The Wasa Lake Land Improvement. Pete was very outgoing and friendly with a great sense of humor- he always had a new joke to share.

Peter was a man of many unique qualities but the one he will be most remembered and missed for, is his love for his family. His support and unconditionmal love was strong and never-ending and he was always there for the ones he loved. He was the kind of husband, father and most of all, Poppa that anyone could wish for.

Pete was predeacesed by his father Robert McGaw, his father-in-law Doug Shrieves and his wife of 20 years, Linda Barnhardt, whom he never stopped loving.

A celebration of Pete's life will be held Thursday November 16, 2006 at McPherson Funeral home in Kimberley at 3:00pm, with a reception to follow at the Royal Canadian Legion. Donations may be made to either the BC or Alberta Children's Hospital in honor of Peter's memory.


We know you and Mom are together now Pete but we'll love and miss you, always and forever

My step-dad passed away.

I don't know if I'll be able to write for awhile.....

*this was actually written on Nov 3.....

I'm sad.

I know it's because it's late now and I'm tired.

I wasn't sad earlier. I was actually okay.

Not so much now.

It's my mom's 57th birthday today.

And I miss her.

I miss her smile and can't even really remember it anymore. I can't remember so many things.

like her smell. or the way her touch felt. or her laugh. I can't even remember the sound of her voice.

I so badly want to remember. Because I know they make up all of the amazing things about her.

right now all i can remember is how her eyes looked just before she let go. How blue her eyes looked.

How even though she may have already left me, when I looked into her eyes for the last time, it was like I saw the true depth of how she felt about living and about dying.

How she so desperately didn't want to leave us and at the same time the calmness of knowing she was following to where she was supposed to be.

I just want my mom. I'm so pissed off at the world at this exact moment. Earlier I wasn't. Tomorrow I won't be.

But right now i'm fucking angry.

And sad.

So bloody sad.

The sad where it feels like you're never going to feel happy again. Even though you know you will be.

The kind of sad that you just want to curl up into bed, pull the covers and not get up again.

Or the kind of sad , that the only thing that will help is curl up with your mom and have her take it all away for you.

That kind of sad.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

...one old love she can imagine going back to

...and one who reminds her how far she has come

...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to

...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour

...a youth she's content to leave behind

...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age

...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra

...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry

...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family

...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored

..a feeling of control over her destiny


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

...how to fall in love without losing herself

....how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

..when to try harder... and when to walk away

...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents

...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over

...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more

...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it

...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally

...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing

...what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year

With childhood comes a brief grace period of ignorant bliss- when you're not aware of the pain around you. That is the most special, truly unique time.

It is the core of adult lament.

wisdom from the back of a starbucks cup

Miss H

The wonderful thing about the Internet is that it can open up a whole new world for some. It can bring people into your life that you would not have met otherwise.

I have one of those connections with one of the most amazing woman I have ever known.

And I have never met her in real life. I have not even talked to her on the phone but I consider her one of my closest friends.

She is awesome, beautiful (even though she doesn't think she is), strong, sensitive, sweet, loyal, loving, tenacious, forgiving and everything else in between.

If I were to have a girl-crush she'd be my type :o)

I'm writing of her today, tonight actually because today is a tough one for her.

Her mother passed away 5 years ago today.

I think 5 years is some what of a milestone even if we don't want it to be. It marks a period in your life.

The amazing thing about Miss H. is that even though she's going through her own moments, she took the time to comment to me. Letting me know how much she cares for me. Even through my lack of correspondence, she remains constant.

My constant.

And for that I am truly grateful beyond words.

I luv you, Miss H. and I wish I was able to hug you today.

I feel the need to stand up for housewives everywhere!

I think there is a stereotype of housewives that just isn't true, anymore at least.

We are not frumpy.

We are not just mindless women dressed in sweater sets.

Yes, I do own sweater sets. I like to match sometimes, okay?

But other times I do go "out of the box" and not match

Hell, I even may wear something sexy.

To toot my horn here, most times I do look very much NOT like a housewife/mother.

Yes, there are times we don't have much else to say about our lives other than our husbands or kids. Hello, they are the people we spend most of our times with.

And if we didn't we'd be just pathetic, instead of boring.

Don't single people think we want to have a little more excitement in our lives other than a new recipe for meatloaf?

Sure, I'd love to have something new and fun to write about everyday. Like I did when I was single.

I still remember the high you could get from meeting a new guy. The talking for hours about whether he likes you enough. The excitement of getting ready for the bar or a date.

Instead of now talking for minutes about our children. Or hey, did you watch Desperate Housewives last night?

See the popularity of that shows is because every character is truly made up of every housewife.

We can be as anal and controlling as Bree and wanting to keep up with "the image"

Minutes later we can be as frazzled as Lynnette struggling to raise our kids and have a life as well, let alone a sex life.

Now most of don't have an affair with the lawn boy. Of course most of us cut the lawns ourselves. But I for one would like to have Gabby's body. Hell, I'd settle to have my pre-babies body again.

I know I have had 'Susan' moments...Most of my moments are probably Susan moments o)

But in all honestly I very much did enjoy my single life. That is, when I wasn't crying my eyes out over a man/boy who didn't deserve my tears. Or when I wasn't slapping someone who called me a slut after sleeping with him. Or spending an awful a lot of time alone, wondering when I'd finally meet the one.....At least the one who loved me enough to marry me.

I'd have to say my "housewife life" may be boring and I may seem like I sometimes live in 'Stepford' but I am a lot more confident now, I'm definitely not passive anymore and I am way hotter.

Even in my sweater set.

Warning: this contains some bitterness and overall negativity

Dear father of my first born who has nothing to do with her for reasons unknown, other than you hate me:


There are moments that I feel the need to say so much to you. Some good, honestly mostly bad, others just sad.

I have been looking back lately and have been reminded of the relationship we did have. Not all of it was so bad. There were a lot of happy times, fun memories and also growing. It's hard for me to think about how much I did love you at that time because so much has been done to hurt me instead. But I do know it was there and it was real for me even though I wasn't very good at showing it at the time.

I have to admit that when I look at your picture, especially a recent one, I don't find you very attractive and even wonder what I did see in you. Then I remember how you could make me feel, how you could make me laugh one minute and cry the next.

How when it was good between us, it was really good.

But when it was bad...It was really bad

But we did one thing right and that was bringing our child into this world.

Well to be the bitch I can be, I actually brought her into this world with not a lot of help from you. Ya, you can see there is still a great amount of bitterness left, even 10 years later. Of course, your actions the last 10 years haven't help to alleviate any anger towards you.

Perhaps it has probably fueled it even more.

That's where I feel the most torn. Wanting to let go of all of the bad feelings towards you but not knowing how to as you keep being the complete ass you have always been.

Of being grateful one moment that I don't have to put up with you, I don't have to have any contact with you and still all the while wondering how you could and can walk away from her?

How do you not want to know her?

Don't you have questions?

I just really don't understand how you can wake up everyday, go about your day and not think of her, what she may be doing?

Maybe it's cause I'm the mom, that it's unimaginable to me to be away from my kids.

Maybe it's just not in my makeup to walk away from my responsibilities, or from which my heart was born.

Because she became my whole entire life the moment I knew she was growing inside of me. Not once was there the thought of any other plan than to raise her. No matter how hard it was going to be. No matter what I had to give up to be able to do that properly in the way I felt was best for her.

But that didn't and hasn't seem to be the same for you. Sure you pay your support and to some, the amount you pay must seem unbelievable. Honestly to me, it's sometimes seems amazing.

But on the other hand, you had the opportunity to finish university, to fulfill your dreams without having to give up anything.

But you did give up something.

You gave up the golden opportunity to help raise your child. To nurture her, to revel in the small things she could accomplish, to look at the world with a childlike way once again.

What you gave up was priceless.

You may have your dream job, be making the bling bling, but was it all worth it?

And I guess that's where my other dilemma comes in. Like I said you already pay a significant amount for her. Granted it wasn't an amicable decision on your part. Nothing ever is with you but still when credit is due , I give you that credit for paying on time or even paying it all. But now there's the new law that states you have to share your financial statements with me every year. Coincidentally today I find out you made partner in January.

Congrats by the way, I'm sure that was a great moment for you.

But see that's where I'm undecided. We both know that your income has probably increased. You've worked hard for that, I know. It must be hard to realize that every time you work hard I have the chance to take some of that monetary prize away from you. That the harder you work, the more money you make, the more you should legally be giving me. But how much is enough. Can there be a price tag on a life?

I'm married, we both have good incomes, not great, not even close to yours alone but we live comfortably. Some may even say we live quite well. So is it justifiable to want more from you? Is there the case that says no matter how well I'm living you should
still have to pay more? I just don't know.

Directly or indirectly the money benefits her. Whether it be living in a nice house, driving nice cars, having your own TV/DVD etc's. You see you may pay a monthly amount but we're the ones who give her the extras. You have not in 7-8 years bought her a Christmas present, birthday present, Easter. None of that. Some could say your cheque does that for me but does it really? I don't think so, not from my point of view anyways.

So for now I think I'll ride it out a little. See if with the new law you tell me about your promotion or not. We'll wait to see that your whether your own expertise within the law will have any influence on what you feel is the right thing to do when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and your child.

And I'm going to try and let go of the leftover anger. It's not healthy and it doesn't really benefit me any, now does it?

I'm going to try and remember the good, the love we once shared because truly that's what she's made up of and i wouldn't want her any other way.

love
the mother of your beautiful daughter

what counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight--it's the size of the fight in the dog...

dwight d. eisenhower

It started on April 29 and it ended today, 4 years ago.

The wondering, the confusion, the anxiety of how bad this would be all ended at 3:50 am.

3:50am is the time my momma took her last breath, with us circled around her, trying to let her know that it was okay to go, all the while screaming inside not to leave us here without her.

6 weeks earlier, the phone call came around 4:00 on an amazingly sunny day. I had been down to see her in the hospital earlier that afternoon and it was the first time that I realized this must be something serious . She was crying and moaning in pain. Normally she would hide pain from us but this was becoming too much for her.
she was waiting for one more test, I think it was the bone scan. I told her I'd see her tomorrow and we left.

Fast-forward to 4:00....I answered the phone outside while sitting in my patio chair, watching the kids play in the yard. It was my step-dad and he said my mom wanted to talk to me (she was actually pissed at him for handing her the phone but I guess he didn't know how to deal with what he had to say to me).

She got on the phone and said" Hi honey, it's mom. It's cancer and they are sending me to Kelowna tonight, can you and the kids come down here before I go?"
I, of course, started to cry and immediately felt bad for doing so in front of her. I said I was sorry that I was crying and that we'd be right down.

I hung up the phone called hub in ( I had gone inside after hearing the word cancer), put my face in my hands and started sobbing, saying and knowing that my mom was going to die. That was the 2nd to last time I ever let myself feel that way for 6 weeks.

Oh the anxiety and fear I felt on the 20 minute car ride to the hospital. What would I say, how was I supposed to act now. The feeling of numbness had started and would last for years to come.

At the hospital we all pretended it was fine, that there was nothing to worry about it. It was just a little trip to Kelowna and she'd be back as soon as possible. We were all very good at deceiving ourselves, we liked to call it positive thinking, but in reality it was just denial.

Denial, another thing that would become second nature for me for 6 weeks until there was nothing left to deny.

We said goodbye, she told me not to cry and that she would talk to me soon. We left and took the kids to the carnival that night. This would become another pattern for me, push down my own feelings to make sure the people around me were okay. That how I was feeling would not affect them. They were my feelings which meant they should stay within me to cause no one else any disruption in there life. So even when I felt so raw inside and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs I held it in and was the same mom, friend, daughter to those around me.

A week later we went to see her. It was wonderful, even with her being in the hospital. We took her and my step-dad out for dinner for his birthday. We took her shopping, got her haircut, laughed, talked a little about the big elephant that sat between us all but not once did we cry. That's just something that wasn't done.

She came home the day after we did. It was the Mother's Day Weekend. She looked amazing. Healthy, fully of life. If it hadn't been for the oxygen tube in her nose you wouldn't have known she was sick. She lasted that way for a few weeks. We went shopping, out to lunch. We even started on my bridesmaid dresses.

You see, in between all this we had been planning my wedding. The invitations had been sent out 3 days before her diagnosis. I was getting married on July 27th and my mom and I were bonding with all the details. I never believed I would have to get married without my mom there. Of course what we believe in life doesn't always make it true.

But reality started to sink in, she was getting weaker. She could only do one chemo treatment as she ended up having some kind of infection. Within 2 weeks she had to be in a wheelchair at all times, she no longer had the strength to walk. The morphine was causing hallucinations and she became increasingly confused.

After one weekend of her not eating, hardly being awake, my step-father made the choice to have an ambulance pick her up to take her the hospital. Just so she could get hydrated again so she could still kick this. I told you we lived strongly in denial.

They didn't want me to call my brother, why worry him? She would be home again before we knew it. Denial is so strong when you want it to be.

That first night back in the hopsital she had to stay in ER as there were no beds available anywhere else. She was moved the next afternoon to a semi-private room. The following morning my stepdad was told to call her family for them to be here.

That 2nd phone call was the 2nd scariest one of my life. I truly believed she was going to die that day. I even phoned my dad to come see her. They had moved her once again, now to a private room, that used to be a storage closet. No window, right outside the nurses station. I stayed with her that night, on a fake leather, uncomfortable chair/bed all the while believing she would come home again. My brother and his girlfriend arrived the next day and they stayed that night with her.

A specialist appointment had been scheduled beforehand for the Friday and they were keeping that appointment. See the specialist can help. He can tell us what to do for her. This is not over.

The 2nd time I cried and let myself fully realize she was going to die was the moment after the specialist explained that her organs were shutting down, that there was nothing left to do. She had now been moved to Palliative care, a very private room with an adjoining room for us to stay in.

I sat in a chair across from her bed. She was asleep. As the reality sunk I bent over, trying to either push back the pain or make it explode out of me. I cried, I realized people were watching me and I ran for the bathroom. Like a child I sat on the cold floor sobbing, rocking myself back and forth, only wanting my mommy. I wanted her to hold me and make me feel better but she couldn't. She was lying in a hospital bed with tubes, IV 's, her legs,feet and hands swelling. Her best friend finally came in the bathroom, gave me a quick hug and promptly told me to get it together. That everyone's mom dies and that I had to be strong for my mom. That was another moment that set a pattern for me. Don't show your emotions as no one will be there to help you with them....

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the simile. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses...................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......................... bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before................ Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that........... looks dirty.
7. No news is............................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust........................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who..................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ....................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's............ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as............... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you........... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.............. get out of the way.

thanks rhonda....

quote of the day...

i was just chattin' with one of my oldest best friends, we'll call her ree and she said the funniest thing.

she was shopping last weekend with her daughter. she tried on and liked a pair of pants that the saleslady obviously that were too young for her. the saleslady said at her age she shouldn't wear them, they made her look like a "cougar"

ree replied (not directly to the rude saleslady):

"well, for fucks's sake, i am a cougar..... the last time i checked"

hiliarious, just hiliarious

"Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming.

It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today.

It's about what you're going to do after you finish reading this."


Mike Dooley, a.k.a. 'The Universe' Friend and Fellow Adventurer http://inspirationpeak.com/theuniverse.html

stolen from sass...

while watching 'O' today with a famous cyclist's ex-wife, i thought about what they were saying...

how women, especially married, can sometimes lose ourselves in our 'man' or relationships. how sometimes we become 'who we think people want us to be'

this is something i have tried very hard to stay away from.

i have worked really hard on staying who i am , maybe even better with my partner but not solely because of him.
i think i've done a pretty good job at it but that was/is not always the case.

they talked about lists: your own list in life.

so i decided to write my own list of what i love, mine only:

things i love: (not in any order)

my children
hub
books
my family
my dog
flannel sheets
flannel jammies
the color pink
pork chops
turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy
reading blogs and learning about other people
tea
snuggling in bed when it's raining
absolut vodka and juice martinis
ice cream cakes
my children's laughter
my hub's blue eyes, especially the crinkle lines when he smiles
sunny days
purses/wallets
avocados
freckles
candles
hot tubs
campfires
roasted marshmallows
holidays: easter, christmas, halloween
daisies
sunflowers
blooming trees
the smell of freshly-cut grass
playing/splashing at the lake
my friends
flip flops
chocolate
my life and
myself

so unfortunately, i have another anniversary to remember at this time of the year.

no one died but on the 30th my father-in-law had a mild heart attack.

he is fine, actually doing really well. he was sent to calgary on the plane to receive more expert cardiology care and is already out of ICU.
there was no damage to his heart which is in part to the excellent care that he received here.

it was honestly just such a shock to us all as he is probably the last person we would have expected this to happen to.

he and my mil walk everyday, x-country ski in the winter, eat amazingly well, don't smoke (ever) and rarely drinks. is not the least bit overweight and is only 60.

it just shows you to never take anything for granted.

or in his own words.....enough of this healthy stuff, i'm living it up now :)

think i'll stick to his new theory :o)

I’m About To Come Alive

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I’m here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I’ve gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know
I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I’m not but you’re all I got left to believe in
Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive
And I know that it’s been hard
And it’s been a long time coming
Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don’t let them be right
After all that we’ve been through
‘Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There’s a place for me
A place with you
In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that’s seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we’ve been through
Making it ain’t making it without you

i think i'm getting to a place where i can feel different things other than just grief about my mom's death. i'm finally feeling more peaceful.

i'm feeling that i can look at her pictures, maybe even put them up without feeling such immense sadness.

today i found a ring that she bought when she was young and i received it on my 16th birthday. i decided to wear it again and instead of being sad i feel like i'm connecting with her in a way i haven't felt since she died.

as i've written before, these next months are hard for me which i can honestly say, drives me completely nuts. i hate that even if i'm not conciously remembering what time of year it is, i feel sad, angry, wack-jobish, just off in every way.

the 29th, is the day that she found out about her cancer, so that is the anniversary of the end for me. and no matter how hard i try to not feel that way , i ultimately do.

but for now, or today anyways, i'm feeling ready to remember her and even this time of year without the complete sadness that follows along.

i feel ready to honor her in ways i haven't been able to before.

in ways like wearing her ring, finding a beautiful frame to put her beautiful picture in and to also display it in my house without feeling like crying when i look at it.

funked out

i haven't updated cuz i don't want this blog to seem like this huge wah-pity part-ay.

i'm just not in a good mood or place or whatever you want to call it.

and i have know idea why.

and i'm not likin' it so much.

of course neither are my family, i'm sure.

but they're being very patient with me...

just biding their time until the men in white jackets arrive :)

If I’m not always happy, that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. It means I am doing something real.
– Laurie Seligman

borrowed :) from fragile musing

you don't say....

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences. You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people. In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long. You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

do you ever have one of those moments where you are just so disappointed in how you reacted to a situation? or how your life has turned out?

one minute you're feeling blessed, the next you just wished for most of it to be different.

that the one huge choice you made in your life feels completely like the wrong one.

that maybe you really would be better off alone as that is how you feel a lot of the time, especially at certain moments.

i feel exactly like that right now...and i hate feeeling this way and even more , i hate having to admit it.

moments like this i really want my mom.

i guess i'll have to settle for some therapy instead :)

it's spring again....

" and look mother/ i am a dark temple where your true spirit rises beautiful/and tough as chestnut "

_audre lorde

only took 10 years for this "aha" moment

you'd think that after being married for almost 4 years and being with the same man for 10, i'd already have known this but i had a true realization tonight.

he loves me.

truly loves me...

all of me, even at my worst, more so at my best i'm sure.

i don't know if there is anything that i could show him that would take that away. he's pretty much seen all of me and still he loves me.

he allows me to be me, warts and all.

no other male has ever made me feel that incredibly safe to be just me.

i love him more than i can describe for that.

copycatting

i stole this from ms. heather

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? home putting up pictures and dusting...fun stuff

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank? personally....um, can't remember, hub usually ends up doing it for me

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?almost 6000. on our new leather furniture

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes my wallet that has a pink M on it

5. When is the last time you went to the mall? probably christmas

6. Are you wearing socks right now? ya, or my feet would be their usual freezing

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000? yup, both of our vehicles are

8. When was the last time you drove out of town? last friday for our trip to innisfail

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? no, don't really like movie theatres

10. Do you get aroused easily? i think so but hub maybe be better to ask :)

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? instant french vanilla coffee

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail? a payment for binks chikadee magazine
.
13. Do you wash your car? again, usually hub does it for me, i know i'm spoiled

14. Last fast food you ate? ugh, all weekend...kids and hub like it plus travelling with a dog makes it a little harder to eat in restaurants.

15. Where were you last week at this time? probably the exact same place i'm now, in the chair in the living room

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? i wish

17. What bank do you use? isn't that a little personal?

18. Do you own any land? only what's out front and back of our house

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"? do i have to grow up??

20. Your dream vacation? somewhere hot with hub

21. Last boat ride you went on? ferry crossing over kootenay lake at christmas

22. How old are your parents? my dad will be 59 this year and my mom would've been 57

23. Are you in love? yes, or comfortably loved

24. Do you have any single friends? a few male friends not many female...maybe the awesome ms. h

25. Last play you saw? my daughter school play a couple of years ago

26. Have you been to New York? no

27. What are your plans for tonight? hanging with friends and going to an usborne book party, woo hoo

28. Last concert you went to? janet jackson in 89

29. Next trip you are going to take? no idea

30. Ever go to camp? no

31. Were you an honor roll student in school? yes

32. What is your current GPA? don't have one

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?yes the kind hub surprised with me.

34. Are you hungry? no just snacky

35. Where is your best friend located? outside shining up the truck to be sold

36. Do you own a cowboy hat? no but would like one

38 how old to you want to be when you have kids? i already have them

39. Do you collect anything? teapots

40. Is this quiz annoying? no not really

41. Last time you got pulled over? over 5 years ago, i've been a good girl

42. Ever been arrested? yes, when i was 16, on fri the 13th. a friend stole a tape but put it in my purse so i was arrested also.

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break? no would love to go

44. Do you like hot sauce? no

45. Last time you had sex? a few weeks ago, ya i know sad :(

46. Do you need to do laundry? no , just have to fold the washed laundry

47. How many friends do you have? enough

48.are you someone best friend? i hope i'm hub's and one day my kids

49. Are you rich? no in the middle comfortable

50. When was your last paycheck? last friday

"happiness is not having what you want. it is wanting what you have."

anonymous

"Although love can create intense feelings, love is not a feeling. It is a choice, an action, a way of behaving, a commitment. Love is sacrificing for others."

taken from "growing up guacamole"

really seeing yourself for who you are

do you ever wonder how some days you look in the mirror and feel thin.

and others you feel not so thin?

why is that?

today fortunately is a thin day but what i would like is to feel the same way every day.

it's funny because for years i never thought i was thin enough which is just plain dumb.

i'm 5 61/2, most of my life have weighed around 130-135 and i thought i was fat.

dumb.

i wish i embraced myself years before.

i wish every day we all could embrace ourselves more than we do.

i wonder why we don't?

i am still here. just can't think of anything to write about.

hopefully that changes soon :)

dewy

last year on june 15, the day before my mom's death anniversary, i cheered myself up by adding a new family member: the most adorable bichon shitzu pup, named 'dewy'

dewy has been one of the best things i could have ever spent my money on. boo and i both have an allergy to dogs so we needed a non-shedding pet.

i can honestly say that he has brought more enjoyment than anything else other than the hub and kids.

he's licked my tears, turned my sadness into laughter, instinctly on his own.

he's the 3rd child that i always wanted but don't have to breastfeed at 2 in the morning :)

he has truly become "man/woman's best friend"

forever loved

today has been one of those days that can somehow feel very introspective for no reason. on days like this i tend to cry easily and think alot about my mom.

i realized today how truly charmed my life actually is. yes, i might have had to go through some rough stuff like my parents divorce, being a single mom for awhile and my mom's death but if i look honestly at my life i've had it alot better than some.

i have to thank my mom for that. truly.

she gave me everything she had to give me. i may not have always had the most expensive clothes, or trips. she couldn't afford to buy me a car when i turned 16.

but what she did give was everything else. she loved me even when it was hard to even like me. she taught me to be strong and brave. she never wavered on wanting the best for me in life and she probably sacrificed alot more than i will ever know just to give me that.

she was there always. i never had to feel like there was no one who could ever love me more. i always knew that no matter what, i had a safe haven to go to. that even though i was an adult, a mother myself, that she would still sacrifice as much of herself as she could if it would make my life better.

her love for me never wavered, never ended, never weakened...even now in death i feel it so strongly that i can't imagine never having had it in the first place.

i am truly blessed for the mother i was born to and i will never forget that.

monday

binks woke up in the middle of the night coughing so instead of waking him and making him go to school, i figured i'd let him stay home and hopefully the cough would subside.

well it did and now at 12pm he is driving me crazy, on my one morning off!

ugh, i hate when i make the wrong decision in the morning. of course the fact that's 7am, i'm not quite awake i could plead the eyes-only-half-opened plea.

had a nice weekend: my friend ree-ree (not her real name, no kidding hey) was here for a visit with her boyfriend. there was a wee bit of drinkin' on sat nite as we changed up the rules of 'catch phrase'....every time you and your partner lost, a shot of either baja rosa or blue and/or green sour puss (not mixed) had to be taken. for the record i wussed out and only had shots of my drink: vodka, pineapple and cranberry.

i'm not a good shot taker: as i only need 3 drinks regularly to get drunk, shots don't help the matter. last time the memory of inhaling 9 shots of baja is still quite clear, or somewhat anyways: consisting of getting into a fight on the dance floor with some guy, throwing up all over someone's car tire and never wanting to see anything pink again for a looong time has cured me of the need to do shots.

so the weekend was fun, no hangovers amazingly, just still a little tired today and binks isn't helping.

better go as my little man needs a drinks, thank goodness for school tomorrow :)

from tuna to you....

i don't know how to link yet so i copied this from tunagirl ( with her permission). she's one of the blogs i read everyday and i really liked this entry. check her out at http://tunagirl.blogspot.com

"That Thing I Don't Say Anymore
I have this thing that I say a lot. And when I say it, I really, really mean it. I do.

But it always makes my husband sigh and it drives Patrick totally bat shit crazy.

I blogged about it once. Probably more than once. It sounds like I was maybe kidding at the time.I wasn't.I've decided not to say that thing anymore.

But I'm going to type it here one more time for all the world (or all of you at least) to see and judge.

I am the worst mother ever. Whenever I say it to Patrick, he'll start lecturing me about what a really bad mother is.

And I hear him. I do.

But I'm not exactly measuring myself against the kind of mother who would beat, starve, and neglect her children. Because they're not mothers at all.

I'm measuring myself against the average, everyday mother who cares enough not to feed her kids junk food, or send them to school when they're sick, or yell at them, or let them develop the same hang ups she has.

And using that measuring stick, well, I fail. A lot.

But I don't know. Something broke through with me recently.

I spent last weekend at a violin workshop. No. I don't play the violin. This was a workshop presented by a violin teacher who wrote a book on how parents can better practice with their children.It turns out that the author also has a degree in child psychology.

I was dreading spending my weekend in a classroom, but it was totally worth it.

One of the things that he quoted in his speech was that kids don't need perfect parents, or even great parents. "They need ordinarily devoted parents."His point was that the trade-off between ordinary and trying to be perfect is that we spend so much energy on guilt and stress in the strive for perfection that we negate the good we're trying to do. We corrupt the relationship.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding.I've heard it before, but it never quite hit home so hard.

Maybe it is because right before I went to the workshop, Patrick totally lost patience with me and read me the riot act about the perceptions and expectations I have for myself as a parent.

You know what?

My being a perfectionist isn't helping my kids one tiny bit.

Since my "light dawns on Marble Head" moment, I've had an exceptionally crappy week.But I'm trying to remind myself, that I'm here.

No matter what. No matter how much I screw up, I'm here.

I'm devoted to my children. Enough to sacrifice a huge chunk of my life to them. In fact, to me, it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.

It just feels like what I was meant to do.

And it is what makes me happy.

And there is no substitute for me. I am their mother. No matter what.

Even my ordinary devotion is more important to their well-being than the extraordinary love of everyone else in their lives combined.

Hell. Add their wonderful father to the mix and they are two very lucky kids.And I'm not going to say that thing anymore. Even if I think it.

Because even in my worse moments I know that no one else can do what I do for my kids. No one. "

i've highlighted the parts i particularily like/related to.

thanks tuna for your honesty...

Happy Valentine's Day....

blah!

just kidding. i actually like the day, i just think it's carried away a little bit.

for single people all it does it make them more lonely.

and for alot of people in relationship it can breed disappointment.

like" he doesn't love me enough to get the right present"

blah, i say, blah!

if you need this day to prove how much you love or someone loves you, somethings wrong.

not that i'm saying that nice things shouldn't be done today, i'm just saying alot of us base too much on this particular moment.

so what i wish for all of us today, is to really love ourselves first, be your own valentine.

anything after that is icing on the cake of life (yes corny i know :) )

ps. to clarify i didn't write that line in the earlierpost...it was from a whole set of 'i believes' that i received from the lovely ms. h

I believe.....no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop and wait for you to grieve.

do you see what i do?

on one of the blogs i read everyday (http://relaxedalert.blogspot.com), talks about signs from our loved ones after they pass. i have always fully believed in them, i just don't know if i know when i'm receiving one.

i wasn't very specific with my mom when i asked her to visit me. i should have decided beforehand what i wanted the sign to be so i knew it was her.

i believe she leaves me pennies/dimes around the house, our old one and this one. every couple of days there is a new penny in the bottom of the main bathroom's toilet. now i don't know if it's coming from my mom or from the previous owner, who died about 7 years ago.

i do feel or felt that the lady (owner) is still around the house. binks is like me, quite sensitive to feelings/dreams etc. after we moved in here his nightmares started again.

one night, he woke up screaming in a different way then he had before. hub got up with him. while i was laying in bed trying to fall back asleep, i figured i'd get up and go to the bathroom which is right across from my bed (ensuite). now granted since i was only moving 2 ft. i didn't put my glasses on which means things are little blurry for me. as i got up i saw hub come in the room, or to be exact i saw white come into the room in front of our bed. i continued on to the bathroom, did my business, and came back to bed. i asked hub what was wrong with binks. no answer.

for anyone who knows me well, knows that the middle of the night is not a pleasant time for me, i tend to be a bit bitchy, so not answering is not very smart. i asked again, no answer. i moved my arm over to his side to see if he was awake. no hub.

seriously he was not lying there and i swore he came into the room. i felt a little creeped out but must have fallen back asleep. in the morning i asked what was wrong and hub answered" binks thought someone was in his room"

um, ya she was and then she came into ours!

now i'm not afraid of her ( and how do i know it's a her, i just feel it) i think that once a young family moved in again, and children are sleeping in the rooms that her children slept in, she's just checking on them in the night.

binks has seen her in the morning also but he doesn't realize what she is...he just comes running into our room saying someone went downstairs.

one night i had a book party and one of the guests does reiki and feels things other don't. while we were talking she kept looking at the corner where our tv is. finally she mentioned that a lady was sitting there in a rocking chair. yes, the hairs on the back of my neck and arms were at full attention.

like i said i'm not afraid of her, i think she misses her kids and just wants to know who's in her house.

i often see butterflies especially white ones when we are camping or doing anything outdoors. more so if i'm with boo which i think is my mom saying she's there with us also.

i think my mom plays tricks on me by hiding things that i know i put somewhere else. but i want more concrete signs.

show me you're really here.

and i wonder if others are leaving me signs and i'm just not picking up on it.
does that song that reminds me of us come on coincidentally while i'm thinking of him or is he telling me," i'm here"?

do any of you have stories of signs?