Today has been a strange day. My emotions have swung almost to extreme. At some points I felt so grateful for my life...for my family especially my kids and the hub, my friends..those of whom I've known forever and the ones I've recently met.

Other moments were sad. Just plain sad.

I haven't in 4 years been able to keep a picture of my mom up, it still hurts too much but the day after my step-dad's service I put one of him and I at my wedding on my fridge door. I see it constantly and a lot of the times I feel the urge to take it down. It causes me pain that I am sometimes trying to avoid. But I make myself keep it there. Hoping that it will eventually just seem normal and that may help me put up one of my mom.

I had an urge today to hear his voice so I called his number. While I dialed I had the radio on, a station I constantly listen to. I stood in my kitchen with my heart beating fast, known no one was going to pick up and at the same time praying/hoping he would answer. He didn't but his machine did. It's the first time I made myself listen to the recording. It made me miss him in a way I haven't let myself feel in the past 2 weeks.

I stood in my kitchen with tears streaming down my face and guess what song came on the radio?

Yes, my mom's funeral song: A thousand miles.

She wanted me to know she was there. It must be hard on her to see my cry. As parents we do everything in our power to take away our children's pain and she can't do that for me anymore in the way I desperately need her to at times. It's just not the same. Life is just not the same and it never will be.

Don't worry, I really am okay...I know that I am strong, as strong as everyone else I know and love but I just miss them in ways I can't even describe to myself.....