Saturday, November 01, 2008
So I'm going to put on my "*maid" costume (would love to have written French before that but the size of my waist doesn't allow for the use of that type of word)to dust, clean the toilet (if I knew how to write in a french accent that would be so much more fun of a word) and get the many snacks ready.
Pictures will be posted asap.
Happy the day after Halloween
(and yes I know there is a real name for this day....brain freeze)
*not my actual costume for tonight
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm sorry to hear that you had to be removed. I do miss you but I don't miss the pain and trouble you started. I know it wasn't entirely your fault, evil Endo made her contribution as well.
Even though you are no longer available, you are, although not being your fault (again) still causing ruckus. The hormones that are not working properly are becoming quite annoying especially the crying jags. In the worst possible times. Over the silliest little things.
Like this morning, when there was no chance of Hubby being hurt even if that car had hit our car as I watched. Tears sprang and uneasy breathing ensued. Silly, silly but that's what has been happening with the hormones lately.
So if there is a possibility of any kind of connection to your sister, Left ovary, could you do me a favor and have her get her shite straightened out?
Otherwise she may find herself unwelcomed as you became and may be following you to the *Great Unknown Ovary Heaven in the sky.
*Also known as the Labratory garbage can
Sincerely wishing things had turned out differently,
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Each butterfly represents one of us in our birth month color.
Starting from the top down:
I copied this from a card my mom gave me. It's her handwriting with a funky daisy. It was very hard not to cry when I saw this for the first time after it was finished.
I now have a part of her that I can see with me all the time.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
So what's new, you ask?
Lots and nothing.
Spring is finally here and once again I'm loving it and dreading how it can make me feel. Even 6 years later it feels the same...the beginning of the end of my before life. The life before the cancer. The life before when everything seemed so simple, too simple. The life before when I was still naive, more self-involved, less strong, less sure of who I am and who I want to be. Simple life.
Will my life ever feel simple again? Do I want it to be? What really is simple?
I know I strive to have a life that is not chaotic....I don't like or deal well with chaos. I like structure, routine but I don't want monotony or boredom. I feel that maybe it's become that way more than I would like. The problem is knowing how to change it when you all you feel like doing is the known.
This post is all over the place...sorry but lately I guess I'm all over the place as well.
So much for simple.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Today is the one year anniversary of my step-dad's death and only one person acknowledged it(at 7pm on Facebook, which again kind of takes it away when you live 5 minutes away and you do own a telephone)My husband didn't even try to remember. It was a day about him (again) and he actually gave me shit for something I had done with our daughter yesterday (homework stuff).It wasn't until I lost my patience and screamed at him did he remember.
I know I'm a grown woman but I still have that little girl who needs to be taken care every once in awhile. Since I lost my mom and Pete, there is just no one who thinks of me before they think of themselves. My life has become the typical cliche of me taking care of everyone else and no one even thinking that I'm not always strong. That maybe I need to be the weak one. That maybe for one day I deserve it to be about me and that I need to be taken care of.
But then again, maybe that's just me and my high expecations.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Maybe sad in a very unhealthy way.
I'm sad today because i have nowhere to go for turkey dinner (most canadians have their turkey on Sun). We were at my in-laws last night for turkey but it's just not the same.
Not having anywhere to go tonight and being the lazy ass I am (I should have cooked a turkey tonight for us) just makes me lonely. Everyone else having dinner somewhere as I sit here debating giving my kids Mickey D's or *Quiznos (told you I was lazy...I didn't cook anything)
I just miss the days when my mom cooked dinner and I went to where I knew I belonged.
they say "Home is where your heart is"
I think I may have misplaced mine somewhere.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Your Score: 8 - the Asserter
Thanks for taking the test !
you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").
"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me
- Stand up for yourself... and me.
- Be confident, strong, and direct.
- Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
- Give me space to be alone.
- Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
- When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
- being independent and self-reliant
- being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
- overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
- being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- never forgetting injuries or injustices
- putting too much pressure on myself
- getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
- are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- are sometimes loners
- seize control so they won't be controlled
- fugure out others' weaknesses
- attack verbally or physically when provoked
- take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
EIGHTs as Parents
- are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- are sometimes overprotective
- can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
You liked the test?
so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!! (use Quick-Paste below)
you wanna know MORE?
so check out, what Google found about your type...
or do you prefer to
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose AY
Would you rather have chosen:
|Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test|
Monday, August 27, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
After I close that door for the last time I'm going to get:
Drunk as a dry hump*
* thanks Anne, love the saying.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
on the way to the airport...yuck, it's only 8 o'clock in the morning
not necessarily patiently at the airport
during the flight...aren't we cute?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
There are just days or moments or times in my life when I could give it all up, move to a deserted island and just be by myself. Today is one of those. I'm sick of my marriage, sick of my job, pretty much sick of everything and everyone.
I tend to be very introspective when I'm like this and I start to doubt most things I've said or done. I know it's not healthy. That I'm being too hard on myself but I can't always shake the self-punishment.
It's the kind of feeling that maybe you've burned too many bridges. That being who you are (and most times liking yourself) isn't what you maybe need to be to get what you want from life.
This isn't about anything really in particular, just some things that happened earlier that I know rationally I am making bigger than need be. See I tend to that as well when I'm in this state of mind.
I hate being like this. I hate feeling the lack of hope and I especially hate feeling not good enough, that somehow I need to change who I really am just to get along.
It's a self-pity party that I don't even want to be invited to, let alone attend.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: " Elegant Lady,I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel
Grateful and happy doing so.
As the princess dined sumptuously
On lightly sautéed frog legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fucking think so.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
too funny...thanks kel, I needed a good laugh!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
35 years ago my brother came into to the world 3 months early.
My mom told me once of the story of my brother's birth. He was only 3 lbs and could fit in the palm of my dad's hand. Do you remember the "Beanie babies" from back then ( I had a yellow one) well, he was that size. His throat had not fully developed so they couldn't give him a soother as he could end up swallowing it whole.
For a month he was in an incubator where my parents couldn't hold him. They visited everyday, I think my mom may have stayed all day, everyday. I was 20 months old but I have a vague memory of seeing him in the incubator.
The night of his birth my mom's extremely insensitive doctor told her not to get her hopes up as he would probably not live through the night. Not once did my mom believe him. She adamantly knew he would survive and be healthy. Her belief never wavered, ever.
When they were finally able to bring him home I became the doting older sister and he can confirm that for most of his life that didn't change :o). Mom would say that I was very possessive of him...he was my baby and I wanted to do everything for him.
Dad says he was named for the constellation he saw the night he was born. He also jokes that he wanted his middle name to be water...after dad's favorite drink rye and water :o)
35 years later he is proof that the doctor was wrong and my mom was right.
35 years later he's still my baby brother and I don't know how I would've made through the past 4 years and especially the last 9 weeks without him.
Thanks for proving the doctors wrong, little bro...I love you
Monday, January 22, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
This year I asked for another tradition...that the hub would pick out a decoration and surprise me with what he picked.
Christmas morning I unwrapped a beautiful purple angel.
It wasn't for a week that he told me the reason why.
" I bought you an angel because it reminds me of you...the angel that saved me from my life of self-destruction"
reason #458 of why I love this man.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I don't quite know how I feel about the change...I've been a blonde for a very long time. We'll see if it stays.
There's a mish-mash of stuff to say, most of pretty boring.
I'm not quite in the holiday mood and I wish I were. I have to be. I love Christmas too much not to be. I just don't have the motivation right now. I need Santa's elves to come in and set up my decorations for me.
Like I said there's much to say, just not the words to be found.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
-- Margery Allingham -- The Tiger in the Smoke
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Other moments were sad. Just plain sad.
I haven't in 4 years been able to keep a picture of my mom up, it still hurts too much but the day after my step-dad's service I put one of him and I at my wedding on my fridge door. I see it constantly and a lot of the times I feel the urge to take it down. It causes me pain that I am sometimes trying to avoid. But I make myself keep it there. Hoping that it will eventually just seem normal and that may help me put up one of my mom.
I had an urge today to hear his voice so I called his number. While I dialed I had the radio on, a station I constantly listen to. I stood in my kitchen with my heart beating fast, known no one was going to pick up and at the same time praying/hoping he would answer. He didn't but his machine did. It's the first time I made myself listen to the recording. It made me miss him in a way I haven't let myself feel in the past 2 weeks.
I stood in my kitchen with tears streaming down my face and guess what song came on the radio?
Yes, my mom's funeral song: A thousand miles.
She wanted me to know she was there. It must be hard on her to see my cry. As parents we do everything in our power to take away our children's pain and she can't do that for me anymore in the way I desperately need her to at times. It's just not the same. Life is just not the same and it never will be.
Don't worry, I really am okay...I know that I am strong, as strong as everyone else I know and love but I just miss them in ways I can't even describe to myself.....
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The bold is what I have done:
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo - does getting one count?
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children-raising children right now
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safar
i115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- killed but didn't prepare
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Finished a marathon
Monday, November 20, 2006
It's always so disappointing when you find out someone that you loved and considered family or a friend does something that completely changes your entire view of them and makes you wonder if you ever really knew them at all. This can happen even when they don't necessarily do anything to you directly. They may do it to someone else you love and I wonder if sometimes that's even worse. Because then your protective instinct rears its head and we all know how that can be.
I'm just confused and disappointed and it just adds to the already overwheming pile of emotions from this past week.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Pete passed away suddenly but peacefully on November 7, 2006.
His journey in this life is now complete and he is with the love of his life, Linda.
Remembering and missing him, is his son Ryan Barnhardt, daughters Michelle (Darren) Lyon, and Carol (Mark) Jorgensen, his mother Helen and his brother Robert in England.
Besides his wife and children, his greatest joys were his grandchildren, Nicole and Austin Lyon and Emily and Erin Todd.
He is also remembered by Linda's family: Bryan and Vicky Shrieves, Jim and Carol McPhail,
Sherry and Scott Adams, Carol McPhail, Betty Shrieves and their families, and his numerous family members and friends in England especially Pete’s longtime friends Ian and Madeline Richards.
Special friends Brian and Sheila Macklin, Bob and Rhonda Gyurkivits and Jim and Wilma Croisdale will miss their daily calls, breakfasts, golf games, and chats with Pete.
There are countless other friends Pete met through his years of playing soccer, his employment as a Millwright at Cominco and recently his volunteer work with the Wasa Lions Club and The Wasa Lake Land Improvement. Pete was very outgoing and friendly with a great sense of humor- he always had a new joke to share.
Peter was a man of many unique qualities but the one he will be most remembered and missed for, is his love for his family. His support and unconditionmal love was strong and never-ending and he was always there for the ones he loved. He was the kind of husband, father and most of all, Poppa that anyone could wish for.
Pete was predeacesed by his father Robert McGaw, his father-in-law Doug Shrieves and his wife of 20 years, Linda Barnhardt, whom he never stopped loving.
A celebration of Pete's life will be held Thursday November 16, 2006 at McPherson Funeral home in Kimberley at 3:00pm, with a reception to follow at the Royal Canadian Legion. Donations may be made to either the BC or Alberta Children's Hospital in honor of Peter's memory.
We know you and Mom are together now Pete but we'll love and miss you, always and forever
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I know it's because it's late now and I'm tired.
I wasn't sad earlier. I was actually okay.
Not so much now.
It's my mom's 57th birthday today.
And I miss her.
I miss her smile and can't even really remember it anymore. I can't remember so many things.
like her smell. or the way her touch felt. or her laugh. I can't even remember the sound of her voice.
I so badly want to remember. Because I know they make up all of the amazing things about her.
right now all i can remember is how her eyes looked just before she let go. How blue her eyes looked.
How even though she may have already left me, when I looked into her eyes for the last time, it was like I saw the true depth of how she felt about living and about dying.
How she so desperately didn't want to leave us and at the same time the calmness of knowing she was following to where she was supposed to be.
I just want my mom. I'm so pissed off at the world at this exact moment. Earlier I wasn't. Tomorrow I won't be.
But right now i'm fucking angry.
So bloody sad.
The sad where it feels like you're never going to feel happy again. Even though you know you will be.
The kind of sad that you just want to curl up into bed, pull the covers and not get up again.
Or the kind of sad , that the only thing that will help is curl up with your mom and have her take it all away for you.
That kind of sad.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
...one old love she can imagine going back to
...and one who reminds her how far she has come
...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to
...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour
...a youth she's content to leave behind
...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age
...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra
...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry
...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family
...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored
..a feeling of control over her destiny
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...how to fall in love without losing herself
....how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship
..when to try harder... and when to walk away
...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents
...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over
...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more
...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it
...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally
...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing
...what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I have one of those connections with one of the most amazing woman I have ever known.
And I have never met her in real life. I have not even talked to her on the phone but I consider her one of my closest friends.
She is awesome, beautiful (even though she doesn't think she is), strong, sensitive, sweet, loyal, loving, tenacious, forgiving and everything else in between.
If I were to have a girl-crush she'd be my type :o)
I'm writing of her today, tonight actually because today is a tough one for her.
Her mother passed away 5 years ago today.
I think 5 years is some what of a milestone even if we don't want it to be. It marks a period in your life.
The amazing thing about Miss H. is that even though she's going through her own moments, she took the time to comment to me. Letting me know how much she cares for me. Even through my lack of correspondence, she remains constant.
And for that I am truly grateful beyond words.
I luv you, Miss H. and I wish I was able to hug you today.
Monday, September 18, 2006
I think there is a stereotype of housewives that just isn't true, anymore at least.
We are not frumpy.
We are not just mindless women dressed in sweater sets.
Yes, I do own sweater sets. I like to match sometimes, okay?
But other times I do go "out of the box" and not match
Hell, I even may wear something sexy.
To toot my horn here, most times I do look very much NOT like a housewife/mother.
Yes, there are times we don't have much else to say about our lives other than our husbands or kids. Hello, they are the people we spend most of our times with.
And if we didn't we'd be just pathetic, instead of boring.
Don't single people think we want to have a little more excitement in our lives other than a new recipe for meatloaf?
Sure, I'd love to have something new and fun to write about everyday. Like I did when I was single.
I still remember the high you could get from meeting a new guy. The talking for hours about whether he likes you enough. The excitement of getting ready for the bar or a date.
Instead of now talking for minutes about our children. Or hey, did you watch Desperate Housewives last night?
See the popularity of that shows is because every character is truly made up of every housewife.
We can be as anal and controlling as Bree and wanting to keep up with "the image"
Minutes later we can be as frazzled as Lynnette struggling to raise our kids and have a life as well, let alone a sex life.
Now most of don't have an affair with the lawn boy. Of course most of us cut the lawns ourselves. But I for one would like to have Gabby's body. Hell, I'd settle to have my pre-babies body again.
I know I have had 'Susan' moments...Most of my moments are probably Susan moments o)
But in all honestly I very much did enjoy my single life. That is, when I wasn't crying my eyes out over a man/boy who didn't deserve my tears. Or when I wasn't slapping someone who called me a slut after sleeping with him. Or spending an awful a lot of time alone, wondering when I'd finally meet the one.....At least the one who loved me enough to marry me.
I'd have to say my "housewife life" may be boring and I may seem like I sometimes live in 'Stepford' but I am a lot more confident now, I'm definitely not passive anymore and I am way hotter.
Even in my sweater set.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Dear father of my first born who has nothing to do with her for reasons unknown, other than you hate me:
There are moments that I feel the need to say so much to you. Some good, honestly mostly bad, others just sad.
I have been looking back lately and have been reminded of the relationship we did have. Not all of it was so bad. There were a lot of happy times, fun memories and also growing. It's hard for me to think about how much I did love you at that time because so much has been done to hurt me instead. But I do know it was there and it was real for me even though I wasn't very good at showing it at the time.
I have to admit that when I look at your picture, especially a recent one, I don't find you very attractive and even wonder what I did see in you. Then I remember how you could make me feel, how you could make me laugh one minute and cry the next.
How when it was good between us, it was really good.
But when it was bad...It was really bad
But we did one thing right and that was bringing our child into this world.
Well to be the bitch I can be, I actually brought her into this world with not a lot of help from you. Ya, you can see there is still a great amount of bitterness left, even 10 years later. Of course, your actions the last 10 years haven't help to alleviate any anger towards you.
Perhaps it has probably fueled it even more.
That's where I feel the most torn. Wanting to let go of all of the bad feelings towards you but not knowing how to as you keep being the complete ass you have always been.
Of being grateful one moment that I don't have to put up with you, I don't have to have any contact with you and still all the while wondering how you could and can walk away from her?
How do you not want to know her?
Don't you have questions?
I just really don't understand how you can wake up everyday, go about your day and not think of her, what she may be doing?
Maybe it's cause I'm the mom, that it's unimaginable to me to be away from my kids.
Maybe it's just not in my makeup to walk away from my responsibilities, or from which my heart was born.
Because she became my whole entire life the moment I knew she was growing inside of me. Not once was there the thought of any other plan than to raise her. No matter how hard it was going to be. No matter what I had to give up to be able to do that properly in the way I felt was best for her.
But that didn't and hasn't seem to be the same for you. Sure you pay your support and to some, the amount you pay must seem unbelievable. Honestly to me, it's sometimes seems amazing.
But on the other hand, you had the opportunity to finish university, to fulfill your dreams without having to give up anything.
But you did give up something.
You gave up the golden opportunity to help raise your child. To nurture her, to revel in the small things she could accomplish, to look at the world with a childlike way once again.
What you gave up was priceless.
You may have your dream job, be making the bling bling, but was it all worth it?
And I guess that's where my other dilemma comes in. Like I said you already pay a significant amount for her. Granted it wasn't an amicable decision on your part. Nothing ever is with you but still when credit is due , I give you that credit for paying on time or even paying it all. But now there's the new law that states you have to share your financial statements with me every year. Coincidentally today I find out you made partner in January.
Congrats by the way, I'm sure that was a great moment for you.
But see that's where I'm undecided. We both know that your income has probably increased. You've worked hard for that, I know. It must be hard to realize that every time you work hard I have the chance to take some of that monetary prize away from you. That the harder you work, the more money you make, the more you should legally be giving me. But how much is enough. Can there be a price tag on a life?
I'm married, we both have good incomes, not great, not even close to yours alone but we live comfortably. Some may even say we live quite well. So is it justifiable to want more from you? Is there the case that says no matter how well I'm living you should
still have to pay more? I just don't know.
Directly or indirectly the money benefits her. Whether it be living in a nice house, driving nice cars, having your own TV/DVD etc's. You see you may pay a monthly amount but we're the ones who give her the extras. You have not in 7-8 years bought her a Christmas present, birthday present, Easter. None of that. Some could say your cheque does that for me but does it really? I don't think so, not from my point of view anyways.
So for now I think I'll ride it out a little. See if with the new law you tell me about your promotion or not. We'll wait to see that your whether your own expertise within the law will have any influence on what you feel is the right thing to do when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and your child.
And I'm going to try and let go of the leftover anger. It's not healthy and it doesn't really benefit me any, now does it?
I'm going to try and remember the good, the love we once shared because truly that's what she's made up of and i wouldn't want her any other way.
the mother of your beautiful daughter
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
It started on April 29 and it ended today, 4 years ago.
The wondering, the confusion, the anxiety of how bad this would be all ended at 3:50 am.
3:50am is the time my momma took her last breath, with us circled around her, trying to let her know that it was okay to go, all the while screaming inside not to leave us here without her.
6 weeks earlier, the phone call came around 4:00 on an amazingly sunny day. I had been down to see her in the hospital earlier that afternoon and it was the first time that I realized this must be something serious . She was crying and moaning in pain. Normally she would hide pain from us but this was becoming too much for her.
she was waiting for one more test, I think it was the bone scan. I told her I'd see her tomorrow and we left.
Fast-forward to 4:00....I answered the phone outside while sitting in my patio chair, watching the kids play in the yard. It was my step-dad and he said my mom wanted to talk to me (she was actually pissed at him for handing her the phone but I guess he didn't know how to deal with what he had to say to me).
She got on the phone and said" Hi honey, it's mom. It's cancer and they are sending me to Kelowna tonight, can you and the kids come down here before I go?"
I, of course, started to cry and immediately felt bad for doing so in front of her. I said I was sorry that I was crying and that we'd be right down.
I hung up the phone called hub in ( I had gone inside after hearing the word cancer), put my face in my hands and started sobbing, saying and knowing that my mom was going to die. That was the 2nd to last time I ever let myself feel that way for 6 weeks.
Oh the anxiety and fear I felt on the 20 minute car ride to the hospital. What would I say, how was I supposed to act now. The feeling of numbness had started and would last for years to come.
At the hospital we all pretended it was fine, that there was nothing to worry about it. It was just a little trip to Kelowna and she'd be back as soon as possible. We were all very good at deceiving ourselves, we liked to call it positive thinking, but in reality it was just denial.
Denial, another thing that would become second nature for me for 6 weeks until there was nothing left to deny.
We said goodbye, she told me not to cry and that she would talk to me soon. We left and took the kids to the carnival that night. This would become another pattern for me, push down my own feelings to make sure the people around me were okay. That how I was feeling would not affect them. They were my feelings which meant they should stay within me to cause no one else any disruption in there life. So even when I felt so raw inside and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs I held it in and was the same mom, friend, daughter to those around me.
A week later we went to see her. It was wonderful, even with her being in the hospital. We took her and my step-dad out for dinner for his birthday. We took her shopping, got her haircut, laughed, talked a little about the big elephant that sat between us all but not once did we cry. That's just something that wasn't done.
She came home the day after we did. It was the Mother's Day Weekend. She looked amazing. Healthy, fully of life. If it hadn't been for the oxygen tube in her nose you wouldn't have known she was sick. She lasted that way for a few weeks. We went shopping, out to lunch. We even started on my bridesmaid dresses.
You see, in between all this we had been planning my wedding. The invitations had been sent out 3 days before her diagnosis. I was getting married on July 27th and my mom and I were bonding with all the details. I never believed I would have to get married without my mom there. Of course what we believe in life doesn't always make it true.
But reality started to sink in, she was getting weaker. She could only do one chemo treatment as she ended up having some kind of infection. Within 2 weeks she had to be in a wheelchair at all times, she no longer had the strength to walk. The morphine was causing hallucinations and she became increasingly confused.
After one weekend of her not eating, hardly being awake, my step-father made the choice to have an ambulance pick her up to take her the hospital. Just so she could get hydrated again so she could still kick this. I told you we lived strongly in denial.
They didn't want me to call my brother, why worry him? She would be home again before we knew it. Denial is so strong when you want it to be.
That first night back in the hopsital she had to stay in ER as there were no beds available anywhere else. She was moved the next afternoon to a semi-private room. The following morning my stepdad was told to call her family for them to be here.
That 2nd phone call was the 2nd scariest one of my life. I truly believed she was going to die that day. I even phoned my dad to come see her. They had moved her once again, now to a private room, that used to be a storage closet. No window, right outside the nurses station. I stayed with her that night, on a fake leather, uncomfortable chair/bed all the while believing she would come home again. My brother and his girlfriend arrived the next day and they stayed that night with her.
A specialist appointment had been scheduled beforehand for the Friday and they were keeping that appointment. See the specialist can help. He can tell us what to do for her. This is not over.
The 2nd time I cried and let myself fully realize she was going to die was the moment after the specialist explained that her organs were shutting down, that there was nothing left to do. She had now been moved to Palliative care, a very private room with an adjoining room for us to stay in.
I sat in a chair across from her bed. She was asleep. As the reality sunk I bent over, trying to either push back the pain or make it explode out of me. I cried, I realized people were watching me and I ran for the bathroom. Like a child I sat on the cold floor sobbing, rocking myself back and forth, only wanting my mommy. I wanted her to hold me and make me feel better but she couldn't. She was lying in a hospital bed with tubes, IV 's, her legs,feet and hands swelling. Her best friend finally came in the bathroom, gave me a quick hug and promptly told me to get it together. That everyone's mom dies and that I had to be strong for my mom. That was another moment that set a pattern for me. Don't show your emotions as no one will be there to help you with them....
Thursday, May 25, 2006
1. Don't change horses...................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......................... bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before................ Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that........... looks dirty.
7. No news is............................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust........................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who..................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ....................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's............ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as............... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you........... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.............. get out of the way.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
she was shopping last weekend with her daughter. she tried on and liked a pair of pants that the saleslady obviously that were too young for her. the saleslady said at her age she shouldn't wear them, they made her look like a "cougar"
ree replied (not directly to the rude saleslady):
"well, for fucks's sake, i am a cougar..... the last time i checked"
hiliarious, just hiliarious
Friday, May 12, 2006
It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today.
It's about what you're going to do after you finish reading this."
Mike Dooley, a.k.a. 'The Universe' Friend and Fellow Adventurer http://inspirationpeak.com/theuniverse.html
stolen from sass...
- ► 2007 (28)