*this was actually written on Nov 3.....

I'm sad.

I know it's because it's late now and I'm tired.

I wasn't sad earlier. I was actually okay.

Not so much now.

It's my mom's 57th birthday today.

And I miss her.

I miss her smile and can't even really remember it anymore. I can't remember so many things.

like her smell. or the way her touch felt. or her laugh. I can't even remember the sound of her voice.

I so badly want to remember. Because I know they make up all of the amazing things about her.

right now all i can remember is how her eyes looked just before she let go. How blue her eyes looked.

How even though she may have already left me, when I looked into her eyes for the last time, it was like I saw the true depth of how she felt about living and about dying.

How she so desperately didn't want to leave us and at the same time the calmness of knowing she was following to where she was supposed to be.

I just want my mom. I'm so pissed off at the world at this exact moment. Earlier I wasn't. Tomorrow I won't be.

But right now i'm fucking angry.

And sad.

So bloody sad.

The sad where it feels like you're never going to feel happy again. Even though you know you will be.

The kind of sad that you just want to curl up into bed, pull the covers and not get up again.

Or the kind of sad , that the only thing that will help is curl up with your mom and have her take it all away for you.

That kind of sad.