only took 10 years for this "aha" moment

you'd think that after being married for almost 4 years and being with the same man for 10, i'd already have known this but i had a true realization tonight.

he loves me.

truly loves me...

all of me, even at my worst, more so at my best i'm sure.

i don't know if there is anything that i could show him that would take that away. he's pretty much seen all of me and still he loves me.

he allows me to be me, warts and all.

no other male has ever made me feel that incredibly safe to be just me.

i love him more than i can describe for that.

copycatting

i stole this from ms. heather

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? home putting up pictures and dusting...fun stuff

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank? personally....um, can't remember, hub usually ends up doing it for me

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?almost 6000. on our new leather furniture

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes my wallet that has a pink M on it

5. When is the last time you went to the mall? probably christmas

6. Are you wearing socks right now? ya, or my feet would be their usual freezing

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000? yup, both of our vehicles are

8. When was the last time you drove out of town? last friday for our trip to innisfail

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? no, don't really like movie theatres

10. Do you get aroused easily? i think so but hub maybe be better to ask :)

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? instant french vanilla coffee

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail? a payment for binks chikadee magazine
.
13. Do you wash your car? again, usually hub does it for me, i know i'm spoiled

14. Last fast food you ate? ugh, all weekend...kids and hub like it plus travelling with a dog makes it a little harder to eat in restaurants.

15. Where were you last week at this time? probably the exact same place i'm now, in the chair in the living room

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? i wish

17. What bank do you use? isn't that a little personal?

18. Do you own any land? only what's out front and back of our house

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"? do i have to grow up??

20. Your dream vacation? somewhere hot with hub

21. Last boat ride you went on? ferry crossing over kootenay lake at christmas

22. How old are your parents? my dad will be 59 this year and my mom would've been 57

23. Are you in love? yes, or comfortably loved

24. Do you have any single friends? a few male friends not many female...maybe the awesome ms. h

25. Last play you saw? my daughter school play a couple of years ago

26. Have you been to New York? no

27. What are your plans for tonight? hanging with friends and going to an usborne book party, woo hoo

28. Last concert you went to? janet jackson in 89

29. Next trip you are going to take? no idea

30. Ever go to camp? no

31. Were you an honor roll student in school? yes

32. What is your current GPA? don't have one

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?yes the kind hub surprised with me.

34. Are you hungry? no just snacky

35. Where is your best friend located? outside shining up the truck to be sold

36. Do you own a cowboy hat? no but would like one

38 how old to you want to be when you have kids? i already have them

39. Do you collect anything? teapots

40. Is this quiz annoying? no not really

41. Last time you got pulled over? over 5 years ago, i've been a good girl

42. Ever been arrested? yes, when i was 16, on fri the 13th. a friend stole a tape but put it in my purse so i was arrested also.

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break? no would love to go

44. Do you like hot sauce? no

45. Last time you had sex? a few weeks ago, ya i know sad :(

46. Do you need to do laundry? no , just have to fold the washed laundry

47. How many friends do you have? enough

48.are you someone best friend? i hope i'm hub's and one day my kids

49. Are you rich? no in the middle comfortable

50. When was your last paycheck? last friday

"happiness is not having what you want. it is wanting what you have."

anonymous

"Although love can create intense feelings, love is not a feeling. It is a choice, an action, a way of behaving, a commitment. Love is sacrificing for others."

taken from "growing up guacamole"

really seeing yourself for who you are

do you ever wonder how some days you look in the mirror and feel thin.

and others you feel not so thin?

why is that?

today fortunately is a thin day but what i would like is to feel the same way every day.

it's funny because for years i never thought i was thin enough which is just plain dumb.

i'm 5 61/2, most of my life have weighed around 130-135 and i thought i was fat.

dumb.

i wish i embraced myself years before.

i wish every day we all could embrace ourselves more than we do.

i wonder why we don't?

i am still here. just can't think of anything to write about.

hopefully that changes soon :)

dewy

last year on june 15, the day before my mom's death anniversary, i cheered myself up by adding a new family member: the most adorable bichon shitzu pup, named 'dewy'

dewy has been one of the best things i could have ever spent my money on. boo and i both have an allergy to dogs so we needed a non-shedding pet.

i can honestly say that he has brought more enjoyment than anything else other than the hub and kids.

he's licked my tears, turned my sadness into laughter, instinctly on his own.

he's the 3rd child that i always wanted but don't have to breastfeed at 2 in the morning :)

he has truly become "man/woman's best friend"

forever loved

today has been one of those days that can somehow feel very introspective for no reason. on days like this i tend to cry easily and think alot about my mom.

i realized today how truly charmed my life actually is. yes, i might have had to go through some rough stuff like my parents divorce, being a single mom for awhile and my mom's death but if i look honestly at my life i've had it alot better than some.

i have to thank my mom for that. truly.

she gave me everything she had to give me. i may not have always had the most expensive clothes, or trips. she couldn't afford to buy me a car when i turned 16.

but what she did give was everything else. she loved me even when it was hard to even like me. she taught me to be strong and brave. she never wavered on wanting the best for me in life and she probably sacrificed alot more than i will ever know just to give me that.

she was there always. i never had to feel like there was no one who could ever love me more. i always knew that no matter what, i had a safe haven to go to. that even though i was an adult, a mother myself, that she would still sacrifice as much of herself as she could if it would make my life better.

her love for me never wavered, never ended, never weakened...even now in death i feel it so strongly that i can't imagine never having had it in the first place.

i am truly blessed for the mother i was born to and i will never forget that.

monday

binks woke up in the middle of the night coughing so instead of waking him and making him go to school, i figured i'd let him stay home and hopefully the cough would subside.

well it did and now at 12pm he is driving me crazy, on my one morning off!

ugh, i hate when i make the wrong decision in the morning. of course the fact that's 7am, i'm not quite awake i could plead the eyes-only-half-opened plea.

had a nice weekend: my friend ree-ree (not her real name, no kidding hey) was here for a visit with her boyfriend. there was a wee bit of drinkin' on sat nite as we changed up the rules of 'catch phrase'....every time you and your partner lost, a shot of either baja rosa or blue and/or green sour puss (not mixed) had to be taken. for the record i wussed out and only had shots of my drink: vodka, pineapple and cranberry.

i'm not a good shot taker: as i only need 3 drinks regularly to get drunk, shots don't help the matter. last time the memory of inhaling 9 shots of baja is still quite clear, or somewhat anyways: consisting of getting into a fight on the dance floor with some guy, throwing up all over someone's car tire and never wanting to see anything pink again for a looong time has cured me of the need to do shots.

so the weekend was fun, no hangovers amazingly, just still a little tired today and binks isn't helping.

better go as my little man needs a drinks, thank goodness for school tomorrow :)

from tuna to you....

i don't know how to link yet so i copied this from tunagirl ( with her permission). she's one of the blogs i read everyday and i really liked this entry. check her out at http://tunagirl.blogspot.com

"That Thing I Don't Say Anymore
I have this thing that I say a lot. And when I say it, I really, really mean it. I do.

But it always makes my husband sigh and it drives Patrick totally bat shit crazy.

I blogged about it once. Probably more than once. It sounds like I was maybe kidding at the time.I wasn't.I've decided not to say that thing anymore.

But I'm going to type it here one more time for all the world (or all of you at least) to see and judge.

I am the worst mother ever. Whenever I say it to Patrick, he'll start lecturing me about what a really bad mother is.

And I hear him. I do.

But I'm not exactly measuring myself against the kind of mother who would beat, starve, and neglect her children. Because they're not mothers at all.

I'm measuring myself against the average, everyday mother who cares enough not to feed her kids junk food, or send them to school when they're sick, or yell at them, or let them develop the same hang ups she has.

And using that measuring stick, well, I fail. A lot.

But I don't know. Something broke through with me recently.

I spent last weekend at a violin workshop. No. I don't play the violin. This was a workshop presented by a violin teacher who wrote a book on how parents can better practice with their children.It turns out that the author also has a degree in child psychology.

I was dreading spending my weekend in a classroom, but it was totally worth it.

One of the things that he quoted in his speech was that kids don't need perfect parents, or even great parents. "They need ordinarily devoted parents."His point was that the trade-off between ordinary and trying to be perfect is that we spend so much energy on guilt and stress in the strive for perfection that we negate the good we're trying to do. We corrupt the relationship.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding.I've heard it before, but it never quite hit home so hard.

Maybe it is because right before I went to the workshop, Patrick totally lost patience with me and read me the riot act about the perceptions and expectations I have for myself as a parent.

You know what?

My being a perfectionist isn't helping my kids one tiny bit.

Since my "light dawns on Marble Head" moment, I've had an exceptionally crappy week.But I'm trying to remind myself, that I'm here.

No matter what. No matter how much I screw up, I'm here.

I'm devoted to my children. Enough to sacrifice a huge chunk of my life to them. In fact, to me, it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice.

It just feels like what I was meant to do.

And it is what makes me happy.

And there is no substitute for me. I am their mother. No matter what.

Even my ordinary devotion is more important to their well-being than the extraordinary love of everyone else in their lives combined.

Hell. Add their wonderful father to the mix and they are two very lucky kids.And I'm not going to say that thing anymore. Even if I think it.

Because even in my worse moments I know that no one else can do what I do for my kids. No one. "

i've highlighted the parts i particularily like/related to.

thanks tuna for your honesty...

Happy Valentine's Day....

blah!

just kidding. i actually like the day, i just think it's carried away a little bit.

for single people all it does it make them more lonely.

and for alot of people in relationship it can breed disappointment.

like" he doesn't love me enough to get the right present"

blah, i say, blah!

if you need this day to prove how much you love or someone loves you, somethings wrong.

not that i'm saying that nice things shouldn't be done today, i'm just saying alot of us base too much on this particular moment.

so what i wish for all of us today, is to really love ourselves first, be your own valentine.

anything after that is icing on the cake of life (yes corny i know :) )

ps. to clarify i didn't write that line in the earlierpost...it was from a whole set of 'i believes' that i received from the lovely ms. h

I believe.....no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop and wait for you to grieve.

do you see what i do?

on one of the blogs i read everyday (http://relaxedalert.blogspot.com), talks about signs from our loved ones after they pass. i have always fully believed in them, i just don't know if i know when i'm receiving one.

i wasn't very specific with my mom when i asked her to visit me. i should have decided beforehand what i wanted the sign to be so i knew it was her.

i believe she leaves me pennies/dimes around the house, our old one and this one. every couple of days there is a new penny in the bottom of the main bathroom's toilet. now i don't know if it's coming from my mom or from the previous owner, who died about 7 years ago.

i do feel or felt that the lady (owner) is still around the house. binks is like me, quite sensitive to feelings/dreams etc. after we moved in here his nightmares started again.

one night, he woke up screaming in a different way then he had before. hub got up with him. while i was laying in bed trying to fall back asleep, i figured i'd get up and go to the bathroom which is right across from my bed (ensuite). now granted since i was only moving 2 ft. i didn't put my glasses on which means things are little blurry for me. as i got up i saw hub come in the room, or to be exact i saw white come into the room in front of our bed. i continued on to the bathroom, did my business, and came back to bed. i asked hub what was wrong with binks. no answer.

for anyone who knows me well, knows that the middle of the night is not a pleasant time for me, i tend to be a bit bitchy, so not answering is not very smart. i asked again, no answer. i moved my arm over to his side to see if he was awake. no hub.

seriously he was not lying there and i swore he came into the room. i felt a little creeped out but must have fallen back asleep. in the morning i asked what was wrong and hub answered" binks thought someone was in his room"

um, ya she was and then she came into ours!

now i'm not afraid of her ( and how do i know it's a her, i just feel it) i think that once a young family moved in again, and children are sleeping in the rooms that her children slept in, she's just checking on them in the night.

binks has seen her in the morning also but he doesn't realize what she is...he just comes running into our room saying someone went downstairs.

one night i had a book party and one of the guests does reiki and feels things other don't. while we were talking she kept looking at the corner where our tv is. finally she mentioned that a lady was sitting there in a rocking chair. yes, the hairs on the back of my neck and arms were at full attention.

like i said i'm not afraid of her, i think she misses her kids and just wants to know who's in her house.

i often see butterflies especially white ones when we are camping or doing anything outdoors. more so if i'm with boo which i think is my mom saying she's there with us also.

i think my mom plays tricks on me by hiding things that i know i put somewhere else. but i want more concrete signs.

show me you're really here.

and i wonder if others are leaving me signs and i'm just not picking up on it.
does that song that reminds me of us come on coincidentally while i'm thinking of him or is he telling me," i'm here"?

do any of you have stories of signs?

good old-fashioned advice

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!! it's my honey's birthday today....i'm going to write more about how i love to celebrate the day he was born.

my mil gave me this tonight and i love it:

"we tried to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. for our grandchildren, i'd like better.

i'd really like for them to know about hand-me clothes and homemade icecream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches.

i really would.

i hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

i hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

and i really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

it will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

i hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. and it's alright if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room but when he/she wants to crawl under the covers with you because he/she's scared, i hope you let him/her.

when you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, i hope you'll let him/her.

i hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

on rainy days when you have to catch a ride, i hope you don't ask your driver to drop you off two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your mom.

if you want a slingshot, i hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying you one.

i hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

when you learn to use computers, i hope you also learn how to add and subtract in your head.

i hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

may you skin your knees climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

i don't care if you try beer once but i hope you don't like it. if a friend offers you dope or a joint, i hope you realize that he is not your friend.

i sure hope that you make time to sit on a porch with your grandparents and go fishing with your uncle.

may you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

i hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at hannukah/christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

these things i wish for you-tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

to me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

written with a pen. sealed with a kiss.

i'm here for you.

and if i die before you do, i'll go to heaven and wait for you. "

paul harvey

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!!

love ya

ugh, not again

i don't know what it is....suddenly i feel sad.
better not be pms again.

it's just been one of those nights that certain things have brought on the tears.

a moment (on one of the my shows) between sisters, that made me desperately wish that i had a sister. that's not something i usually feel. i have 4 great brothers ( okay, 1 really great bro , 2 pretty good ones and one that could be little better). but it's not like i don't know what having siblings to be there for you is like.
just that one moment made me wishful.

another moment made me miss my mom more than i usually do. i miss her most days but this moment was way more intense. just to have my mom wrap her arms around me like that again.

okay, i've made myself cry again. blah.

must be pms.

where did the spunk go?

i 've been thinking lately about who i used to be. we all grow and change but sometimes it's not always in a way we like.

i used to be quite a gutsy or rather spunky girl.

i had no fear. seriously, none.

example: if i met a guy i liked or we had hooked up ( drunkenly) and he didn't call, i would call him. i would take on 'spy mode'. i'd either find his number myself or somehow get it from sort of source. then i'd call. it may not have always been the smartest move but i didn't care. i hated the 'games' you had to play when dating (or whatever you want to call it..lol)

i even did that with the hub, in a roundabout way. one night i was out with friends and he was there. we had actually met a few months before but hadn't seen each other since. by the end of quick conversation the 2nd night, i finally just asked him if he was ever going to ask me out (on a date). like i said i'm not much into games. if i liked a boy i had no problem letting him know.

but for the past few years, i've lost my no fear. i've become the over-thinker. the what-if-er.

i don't mean the guy thing anymore...i'm married.

i mean more like, i just don't take chances anymore. i feel the need to only express myself if it's a sure outcome. if i can pretty much gage the reaction i'm about to receive, otherwise i just sit back, feeling all safe.

an example of this is that i had the strongest feeling in nov. to call paul. all month. this little voice just said, find his number and call. gotta say, i really regret not listening the voice...it's something i usually do.

what stopped me was fear.

fear of his reaction to my call ( i didn't know he was ill at this time).

fear of being that pathetic ex-girlfriend that people make fun of.

fear of my hub's reaction to me calling an ex-boyfriend.

it wasn't a sure thing so i didn't do it.

and that fear lost me my last chance to say goodbye to someone who i once loved.

so next time fear tries to talking to me, i'm ignoring it and remembering the spunky girl i used to be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!!

love ya.

Beautiful Life - Beautiful Death

"linda" means beautiful. how did her parents know she would such a beautiful essence?

today i started the morning by saying "don't worry about me, love," then immediately laughed out loud-with her. How ludicrous to imagine that linda would not worry about me, the children she left behind, grandchildren she won't know or even unborn millions. for the first time i understood the nature of her worrying. to worry was linda's way of expressing unconditional love, a love that reaches you and every living creature for now and in the future. if you knew linda, you may have felt it. she could not imagine that people hurt others, or even lie or steal-it was just not in her being.

we meet many in life, but few leave footprints on our heart. linda wore spiritual clodhoppers with a velvet tread. she trampled our hearts in so subtle a way we may not notice the impact for years.

eighteen months ago, melanoma excised from a small spot on her lower back six years earlier returned to a lymph node. we leveraged every resource at our disposal to get the finest care available, but to no avail. despite feelings of denial, we began to prepare practically and emotionally for her likely death in the near future. on january 2002, we knew her likely life span was months. not wasting time on regret, we seized the precious remaining time to savor our love and say goodbye. a week before she died, our children came to say goodbye-one lasting image is my young adult children curled up as if in their "jammies"on either side of linda, cuddling with her quietly to soak up a lifetime of physical contact.

in her final days she began to slip away at home under hospice guidance. although not in pain, she could talk only with great effort, and drifted in and out of awareness. her sister and i sat quietly with her, reminding her of the love she had shared and the fullness of her life contribution. we found her stash of my love letters over thirty years, and i read them to her. we sat quietly for hours just holding her hand. in the evening we shared the magic of our last fire in the livingroom fireplace.

her last day she slept in the afternoon, then moved into a coma of diminished awareness, eyes unfocused and cloudy, but peaceful countenance, next came, the death rattle of gurgled breathing. alarmed, we called hopsice and were told to look at her forehead and face-did she appear to be grimacing, struggling? no, not at all. we continued to calmly soothe her, hold her hands, play peaceful music, read poems, generally give her permission to leave us, as her life work was well done.

in the evening, by force of her ample will, she somehow escaped her death coma momentarily. she turned her head slightly, focused her eyes on me, moved her lips perhaps to say " goodbye, my love" i kissed her. she returned the kiss. she turned to her sister and shared the same poignant goodbye, then fell back to the coma. the awesome, touching moment will be in my feeling memory forever. a few hours later, assured by a visiting hospice nurse that we had done all we could, we prepared for sleep. i kissed her goodnight and assured her i would be again by her side should she need me. i feel asleep.

suddenly only minutes later, i awakened fully, glanced at linda and felt she had gone-her breath had stopped, her lips were pale. i called her sister and we said our final goodbyes to honor her remaining aura in the vessel that had carried her awesome life. peacefully i sat by her side. she is peaceful, held by so many hearts on a quilted cushion of love.

linda taught me to fully live within the mosiac of all the moments of life-moments that transcend, time, space, here, there; now, then, alive, dead -significant moments richly lived with many facets define who you are.

strange concept,beautiful death, but i feel its meaning. i was incredibly lucky to have thirty years as linda's husband and to be at her side as she died. i am still learning from her. though her physical presence has passed, my beautiful linda will guide me for my lifetime.
written by bruce hanna- chicken soup for the romantic soul

much more than just my mothers name in this story is similiar

huh?

i can admit i don't know much about politics and honestly don't really care if i educate myself enough to know. i know, i know, not so smart...i just find it all sooo boring.

but as i am still trying to figure out who i want to vote for...yes at 2pm on voting day, i read the local paper that help summarize a bit of what each party is offering.

there is one part there that just stumped me. or maybe a better way to describe was WTF?

it's the conservatives wanting to "protect teenagers and in order to prevent the sexual exploitation of children, will raise the age of consent to 16 from 14."

and "to protect society, will change the laws so a 14 year old charged with a serious or repeat violent crime will be sentenced as an adult."

these are direct quotes from our candidate.

now i have already admitted not knowing much about the election but am a little confused.

the way i am understanding these statements is that a 14 year old isn't mature enough to know if they are making the right choice about sex. they don't know the consequences that sex can bring. so if they date anyone older than 15, that person could be charged with rape. that the older person in that relationship is the one responsible for any action taken place between them.

but if that same 14 yr. old commits a crime, then they must be mature enough to know the consequences of those actions.

what is the difference?

i know that they may be trying to protect children in certain situations, like bountiful, where young girls are supposedly (and probably being made) to marry much older men.

but what about the 14 yr that has gotten messed up with the wrong crowd. or that same 14 yr old that is being pushed into a relationship they don't want or not ready for. what if the only way out would be to use violence?

how do we protect teenagers while at the same time, say that are responsible for there own actions?

why is sex something to be protected from but violence just condemned?

i don't know if i'm expressing this well. i just found the statements completely contradicting.

see that's why i don't like politics, just doesn't make any sense to me.

and i know i have to vote....maybe i'll vote green or cap. they at least make some sort of sense even if it because they're stoned* all the time LOL

* joking, seriously just joking about the stoned part.

note: simple way to say is" a 14yr old is not an adult when having sex but is when being violent" hmmm?