just before christmas, i received the news that one of my ex-boyfriends Paul had passed away.
he was the one from toronto, for my friends i'm sure you know who i'm talking about.
i hadn't seen him in about 10 years ( just before i moved back) and hadn't talked to him for about 6. the last time was on my 29th birthday and i had just had my little man.
now it's not that i wanted to lose touch with him, we just did. but i thought about him often. what was he doing, was he married, did he have kids? did he think about me?
some of my friends never liked him, thought he was using me. and there were probably times that he was. just as there were moments that he really cared for me.
only we knew those moments, like any other relationship.
this post isn't so much about our relationship (i'll write more on it later) it's more about where my life would be if i had made any different choices. if i had taken a different path, gone left instead of right.
if paul and i had gotten back together instead of my dating my other ex- boyfriend Gary, i wouldn't have my daughter. which would have not had me moving back home to have her. i wouldn't have met my hub and wouldn't have my son.
if Paul and I had been able to make it work, as at the time i think we both envisioned life together, i could now be a widow.
a widow at the age of 35.
i would have lost my mom and 3 years later lost my husband. i can't imagine that being my life at this exact moment.
it's very strange to have a time in your life that shows you what may have been.
usually we don't get a glimpse of the road not taken.
even though i loved him and wondered what life would have been like together, i guess i'd have to say that i'm glad that i had the chance to choose a different path that lead me to where i am today in the life that i was meant to be living.
ps. keep scrolling for the comments, i don't know where the big space came from
Friday, January 13, 2006
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3 comments:
"there is always a reason for everything, even if we don't know why" has become my mantra over the last few years....it drives some of my friends crazy when i say it :) but it's soooo true!
Hi,
I found your blog through a comment you left on Slacker Mom's blog.
This post struck a chord with me because I am a widow, and become one at 29. (I'm now 30)
And so I wonder about the path my life has taken, and I can only hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And that at some point I will be able to look back at my life and say, "aha! That's why that happened." But for now, I really have no idea.
b
i'm so sorry for your loss b. i sometimes wish for a future crystal ball to explain why life works the way it does. or a manual to explain what lesson i am supposed to learn but i guess we wouldn't necessarily learn what we needed if it was already given to us. we just have to trust that our life will turn out the way it's supposed to be.
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