Mourning is not forgetting . . . It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous."

-- Margery Allingham -- The Tiger in the Smoke

Today has been a strange day. My emotions have swung almost to extreme. At some points I felt so grateful for my life...for my family especially my kids and the hub, my friends..those of whom I've known forever and the ones I've recently met.

Other moments were sad. Just plain sad.

I haven't in 4 years been able to keep a picture of my mom up, it still hurts too much but the day after my step-dad's service I put one of him and I at my wedding on my fridge door. I see it constantly and a lot of the times I feel the urge to take it down. It causes me pain that I am sometimes trying to avoid. But I make myself keep it there. Hoping that it will eventually just seem normal and that may help me put up one of my mom.

I had an urge today to hear his voice so I called his number. While I dialed I had the radio on, a station I constantly listen to. I stood in my kitchen with my heart beating fast, known no one was going to pick up and at the same time praying/hoping he would answer. He didn't but his machine did. It's the first time I made myself listen to the recording. It made me miss him in a way I haven't let myself feel in the past 2 weeks.

I stood in my kitchen with tears streaming down my face and guess what song came on the radio?

Yes, my mom's funeral song: A thousand miles.

She wanted me to know she was there. It must be hard on her to see my cry. As parents we do everything in our power to take away our children's pain and she can't do that for me anymore in the way I desperately need her to at times. It's just not the same. Life is just not the same and it never will be.

Don't worry, I really am okay...I know that I am strong, as strong as everyone else I know and love but I just miss them in ways I can't even describe to myself.....

I stole this from Irish Eyes....I would link her but don't have a clue how (anyone want to help tell me how to??)
The bold is what I have done:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo - does getting one count?
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children-raising children right now
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safar
i115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- killed but didn't prepare
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Finished a marathon

Warning: I'm venting!!!

It's always so disappointing when you find out someone that you loved and considered family or a friend does something that completely changes your entire view of them and makes you wonder if you ever really knew them at all. This can happen even when they don't necessarily do anything to you directly. They may do it to someone else you love and I wonder if sometimes that's even worse. Because then your protective instinct rears its head and we all know how that can be.

I'm just confused and disappointed and it just adds to the already overwheming pile of emotions from this past week.

UGH!

McGaw, Sean Peter

Pete passed away suddenly but peacefully on November 7, 2006.
His journey in this life is now complete and he is with the love of his life, Linda.
Remembering and missing him, is his son Ryan Barnhardt, daughters Michelle (Darren) Lyon, and Carol (Mark) Jorgensen, his mother Helen and his brother Robert in England.

Besides his wife and children, his greatest joys were his grandchildren, Nicole and Austin Lyon and Emily and Erin Todd.

He is also remembered by Linda's family: Bryan and Vicky Shrieves, Jim and Carol McPhail,
Sherry and Scott Adams, Carol McPhail, Betty Shrieves and their families, and his numerous family members and friends in England especially Pete’s longtime friends Ian and Madeline Richards.

Special friends Brian and Sheila Macklin, Bob and Rhonda Gyurkivits and Jim and Wilma Croisdale will miss their daily calls, breakfasts, golf games, and chats with Pete.

There are countless other friends Pete met through his years of playing soccer, his employment as a Millwright at Cominco and recently his volunteer work with the Wasa Lions Club and The Wasa Lake Land Improvement. Pete was very outgoing and friendly with a great sense of humor- he always had a new joke to share.

Peter was a man of many unique qualities but the one he will be most remembered and missed for, is his love for his family. His support and unconditionmal love was strong and never-ending and he was always there for the ones he loved. He was the kind of husband, father and most of all, Poppa that anyone could wish for.

Pete was predeacesed by his father Robert McGaw, his father-in-law Doug Shrieves and his wife of 20 years, Linda Barnhardt, whom he never stopped loving.

A celebration of Pete's life will be held Thursday November 16, 2006 at McPherson Funeral home in Kimberley at 3:00pm, with a reception to follow at the Royal Canadian Legion. Donations may be made to either the BC or Alberta Children's Hospital in honor of Peter's memory.


We know you and Mom are together now Pete but we'll love and miss you, always and forever

My step-dad passed away.

I don't know if I'll be able to write for awhile.....

*this was actually written on Nov 3.....

I'm sad.

I know it's because it's late now and I'm tired.

I wasn't sad earlier. I was actually okay.

Not so much now.

It's my mom's 57th birthday today.

And I miss her.

I miss her smile and can't even really remember it anymore. I can't remember so many things.

like her smell. or the way her touch felt. or her laugh. I can't even remember the sound of her voice.

I so badly want to remember. Because I know they make up all of the amazing things about her.

right now all i can remember is how her eyes looked just before she let go. How blue her eyes looked.

How even though she may have already left me, when I looked into her eyes for the last time, it was like I saw the true depth of how she felt about living and about dying.

How she so desperately didn't want to leave us and at the same time the calmness of knowing she was following to where she was supposed to be.

I just want my mom. I'm so pissed off at the world at this exact moment. Earlier I wasn't. Tomorrow I won't be.

But right now i'm fucking angry.

And sad.

So bloody sad.

The sad where it feels like you're never going to feel happy again. Even though you know you will be.

The kind of sad that you just want to curl up into bed, pull the covers and not get up again.

Or the kind of sad , that the only thing that will help is curl up with your mom and have her take it all away for you.

That kind of sad.