i think i'm getting to a place where i can feel different things other than just grief about my mom's death. i'm finally feeling more peaceful.

i'm feeling that i can look at her pictures, maybe even put them up without feeling such immense sadness.

today i found a ring that she bought when she was young and i received it on my 16th birthday. i decided to wear it again and instead of being sad i feel like i'm connecting with her in a way i haven't felt since she died.

as i've written before, these next months are hard for me which i can honestly say, drives me completely nuts. i hate that even if i'm not conciously remembering what time of year it is, i feel sad, angry, wack-jobish, just off in every way.

the 29th, is the day that she found out about her cancer, so that is the anniversary of the end for me. and no matter how hard i try to not feel that way , i ultimately do.

but for now, or today anyways, i'm feeling ready to remember her and even this time of year without the complete sadness that follows along.

i feel ready to honor her in ways i haven't been able to before.

in ways like wearing her ring, finding a beautiful frame to put her beautiful picture in and to also display it in my house without feeling like crying when i look at it.

funked out

i haven't updated cuz i don't want this blog to seem like this huge wah-pity part-ay.

i'm just not in a good mood or place or whatever you want to call it.

and i have know idea why.

and i'm not likin' it so much.

of course neither are my family, i'm sure.

but they're being very patient with me...

just biding their time until the men in white jackets arrive :)

If I’m not always happy, that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. It means I am doing something real.
– Laurie Seligman

borrowed :) from fragile musing

you don't say....

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences. You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people. In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long. You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

do you ever have one of those moments where you are just so disappointed in how you reacted to a situation? or how your life has turned out?

one minute you're feeling blessed, the next you just wished for most of it to be different.

that the one huge choice you made in your life feels completely like the wrong one.

that maybe you really would be better off alone as that is how you feel a lot of the time, especially at certain moments.

i feel exactly like that right now...and i hate feeeling this way and even more , i hate having to admit it.

moments like this i really want my mom.

i guess i'll have to settle for some therapy instead :)

it's spring again....

" and look mother/ i am a dark temple where your true spirit rises beautiful/and tough as chestnut "

_audre lorde