where did the spunk go?

i 've been thinking lately about who i used to be. we all grow and change but sometimes it's not always in a way we like.

i used to be quite a gutsy or rather spunky girl.

i had no fear. seriously, none.

example: if i met a guy i liked or we had hooked up ( drunkenly) and he didn't call, i would call him. i would take on 'spy mode'. i'd either find his number myself or somehow get it from sort of source. then i'd call. it may not have always been the smartest move but i didn't care. i hated the 'games' you had to play when dating (or whatever you want to call it..lol)

i even did that with the hub, in a roundabout way. one night i was out with friends and he was there. we had actually met a few months before but hadn't seen each other since. by the end of quick conversation the 2nd night, i finally just asked him if he was ever going to ask me out (on a date). like i said i'm not much into games. if i liked a boy i had no problem letting him know.

but for the past few years, i've lost my no fear. i've become the over-thinker. the what-if-er.

i don't mean the guy thing anymore...i'm married.

i mean more like, i just don't take chances anymore. i feel the need to only express myself if it's a sure outcome. if i can pretty much gage the reaction i'm about to receive, otherwise i just sit back, feeling all safe.

an example of this is that i had the strongest feeling in nov. to call paul. all month. this little voice just said, find his number and call. gotta say, i really regret not listening the voice...it's something i usually do.

what stopped me was fear.

fear of his reaction to my call ( i didn't know he was ill at this time).

fear of being that pathetic ex-girlfriend that people make fun of.

fear of my hub's reaction to me calling an ex-boyfriend.

it wasn't a sure thing so i didn't do it.

and that fear lost me my last chance to say goodbye to someone who i once loved.

so next time fear tries to talking to me, i'm ignoring it and remembering the spunky girl i used to be.