Warning: this contains some bitterness and overall negativity

Dear father of my first born who has nothing to do with her for reasons unknown, other than you hate me:


There are moments that I feel the need to say so much to you. Some good, honestly mostly bad, others just sad.

I have been looking back lately and have been reminded of the relationship we did have. Not all of it was so bad. There were a lot of happy times, fun memories and also growing. It's hard for me to think about how much I did love you at that time because so much has been done to hurt me instead. But I do know it was there and it was real for me even though I wasn't very good at showing it at the time.

I have to admit that when I look at your picture, especially a recent one, I don't find you very attractive and even wonder what I did see in you. Then I remember how you could make me feel, how you could make me laugh one minute and cry the next.

How when it was good between us, it was really good.

But when it was bad...It was really bad

But we did one thing right and that was bringing our child into this world.

Well to be the bitch I can be, I actually brought her into this world with not a lot of help from you. Ya, you can see there is still a great amount of bitterness left, even 10 years later. Of course, your actions the last 10 years haven't help to alleviate any anger towards you.

Perhaps it has probably fueled it even more.

That's where I feel the most torn. Wanting to let go of all of the bad feelings towards you but not knowing how to as you keep being the complete ass you have always been.

Of being grateful one moment that I don't have to put up with you, I don't have to have any contact with you and still all the while wondering how you could and can walk away from her?

How do you not want to know her?

Don't you have questions?

I just really don't understand how you can wake up everyday, go about your day and not think of her, what she may be doing?

Maybe it's cause I'm the mom, that it's unimaginable to me to be away from my kids.

Maybe it's just not in my makeup to walk away from my responsibilities, or from which my heart was born.

Because she became my whole entire life the moment I knew she was growing inside of me. Not once was there the thought of any other plan than to raise her. No matter how hard it was going to be. No matter what I had to give up to be able to do that properly in the way I felt was best for her.

But that didn't and hasn't seem to be the same for you. Sure you pay your support and to some, the amount you pay must seem unbelievable. Honestly to me, it's sometimes seems amazing.

But on the other hand, you had the opportunity to finish university, to fulfill your dreams without having to give up anything.

But you did give up something.

You gave up the golden opportunity to help raise your child. To nurture her, to revel in the small things she could accomplish, to look at the world with a childlike way once again.

What you gave up was priceless.

You may have your dream job, be making the bling bling, but was it all worth it?

And I guess that's where my other dilemma comes in. Like I said you already pay a significant amount for her. Granted it wasn't an amicable decision on your part. Nothing ever is with you but still when credit is due , I give you that credit for paying on time or even paying it all. But now there's the new law that states you have to share your financial statements with me every year. Coincidentally today I find out you made partner in January.

Congrats by the way, I'm sure that was a great moment for you.

But see that's where I'm undecided. We both know that your income has probably increased. You've worked hard for that, I know. It must be hard to realize that every time you work hard I have the chance to take some of that monetary prize away from you. That the harder you work, the more money you make, the more you should legally be giving me. But how much is enough. Can there be a price tag on a life?

I'm married, we both have good incomes, not great, not even close to yours alone but we live comfortably. Some may even say we live quite well. So is it justifiable to want more from you? Is there the case that says no matter how well I'm living you should
still have to pay more? I just don't know.

Directly or indirectly the money benefits her. Whether it be living in a nice house, driving nice cars, having your own TV/DVD etc's. You see you may pay a monthly amount but we're the ones who give her the extras. You have not in 7-8 years bought her a Christmas present, birthday present, Easter. None of that. Some could say your cheque does that for me but does it really? I don't think so, not from my point of view anyways.

So for now I think I'll ride it out a little. See if with the new law you tell me about your promotion or not. We'll wait to see that your whether your own expertise within the law will have any influence on what you feel is the right thing to do when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and your child.

And I'm going to try and let go of the leftover anger. It's not healthy and it doesn't really benefit me any, now does it?

I'm going to try and remember the good, the love we once shared because truly that's what she's made up of and i wouldn't want her any other way.

love
the mother of your beautiful daughter

what counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight--it's the size of the fight in the dog...

dwight d. eisenhower

It started on April 29 and it ended today, 4 years ago.

The wondering, the confusion, the anxiety of how bad this would be all ended at 3:50 am.

3:50am is the time my momma took her last breath, with us circled around her, trying to let her know that it was okay to go, all the while screaming inside not to leave us here without her.

6 weeks earlier, the phone call came around 4:00 on an amazingly sunny day. I had been down to see her in the hospital earlier that afternoon and it was the first time that I realized this must be something serious . She was crying and moaning in pain. Normally she would hide pain from us but this was becoming too much for her.
she was waiting for one more test, I think it was the bone scan. I told her I'd see her tomorrow and we left.

Fast-forward to 4:00....I answered the phone outside while sitting in my patio chair, watching the kids play in the yard. It was my step-dad and he said my mom wanted to talk to me (she was actually pissed at him for handing her the phone but I guess he didn't know how to deal with what he had to say to me).

She got on the phone and said" Hi honey, it's mom. It's cancer and they are sending me to Kelowna tonight, can you and the kids come down here before I go?"
I, of course, started to cry and immediately felt bad for doing so in front of her. I said I was sorry that I was crying and that we'd be right down.

I hung up the phone called hub in ( I had gone inside after hearing the word cancer), put my face in my hands and started sobbing, saying and knowing that my mom was going to die. That was the 2nd to last time I ever let myself feel that way for 6 weeks.

Oh the anxiety and fear I felt on the 20 minute car ride to the hospital. What would I say, how was I supposed to act now. The feeling of numbness had started and would last for years to come.

At the hospital we all pretended it was fine, that there was nothing to worry about it. It was just a little trip to Kelowna and she'd be back as soon as possible. We were all very good at deceiving ourselves, we liked to call it positive thinking, but in reality it was just denial.

Denial, another thing that would become second nature for me for 6 weeks until there was nothing left to deny.

We said goodbye, she told me not to cry and that she would talk to me soon. We left and took the kids to the carnival that night. This would become another pattern for me, push down my own feelings to make sure the people around me were okay. That how I was feeling would not affect them. They were my feelings which meant they should stay within me to cause no one else any disruption in there life. So even when I felt so raw inside and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs I held it in and was the same mom, friend, daughter to those around me.

A week later we went to see her. It was wonderful, even with her being in the hospital. We took her and my step-dad out for dinner for his birthday. We took her shopping, got her haircut, laughed, talked a little about the big elephant that sat between us all but not once did we cry. That's just something that wasn't done.

She came home the day after we did. It was the Mother's Day Weekend. She looked amazing. Healthy, fully of life. If it hadn't been for the oxygen tube in her nose you wouldn't have known she was sick. She lasted that way for a few weeks. We went shopping, out to lunch. We even started on my bridesmaid dresses.

You see, in between all this we had been planning my wedding. The invitations had been sent out 3 days before her diagnosis. I was getting married on July 27th and my mom and I were bonding with all the details. I never believed I would have to get married without my mom there. Of course what we believe in life doesn't always make it true.

But reality started to sink in, she was getting weaker. She could only do one chemo treatment as she ended up having some kind of infection. Within 2 weeks she had to be in a wheelchair at all times, she no longer had the strength to walk. The morphine was causing hallucinations and she became increasingly confused.

After one weekend of her not eating, hardly being awake, my step-father made the choice to have an ambulance pick her up to take her the hospital. Just so she could get hydrated again so she could still kick this. I told you we lived strongly in denial.

They didn't want me to call my brother, why worry him? She would be home again before we knew it. Denial is so strong when you want it to be.

That first night back in the hopsital she had to stay in ER as there were no beds available anywhere else. She was moved the next afternoon to a semi-private room. The following morning my stepdad was told to call her family for them to be here.

That 2nd phone call was the 2nd scariest one of my life. I truly believed she was going to die that day. I even phoned my dad to come see her. They had moved her once again, now to a private room, that used to be a storage closet. No window, right outside the nurses station. I stayed with her that night, on a fake leather, uncomfortable chair/bed all the while believing she would come home again. My brother and his girlfriend arrived the next day and they stayed that night with her.

A specialist appointment had been scheduled beforehand for the Friday and they were keeping that appointment. See the specialist can help. He can tell us what to do for her. This is not over.

The 2nd time I cried and let myself fully realize she was going to die was the moment after the specialist explained that her organs were shutting down, that there was nothing left to do. She had now been moved to Palliative care, a very private room with an adjoining room for us to stay in.

I sat in a chair across from her bed. She was asleep. As the reality sunk I bent over, trying to either push back the pain or make it explode out of me. I cried, I realized people were watching me and I ran for the bathroom. Like a child I sat on the cold floor sobbing, rocking myself back and forth, only wanting my mommy. I wanted her to hold me and make me feel better but she couldn't. She was lying in a hospital bed with tubes, IV 's, her legs,feet and hands swelling. Her best friend finally came in the bathroom, gave me a quick hug and promptly told me to get it together. That everyone's mom dies and that I had to be strong for my mom. That was another moment that set a pattern for me. Don't show your emotions as no one will be there to help you with them....

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the simile. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses...................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......................... bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before................ Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that........... looks dirty.
7. No news is............................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust........................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who..................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ....................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's............ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as............... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you........... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.............. get out of the way.

thanks rhonda....

quote of the day...

i was just chattin' with one of my oldest best friends, we'll call her ree and she said the funniest thing.

she was shopping last weekend with her daughter. she tried on and liked a pair of pants that the saleslady obviously that were too young for her. the saleslady said at her age she shouldn't wear them, they made her look like a "cougar"

ree replied (not directly to the rude saleslady):

"well, for fucks's sake, i am a cougar..... the last time i checked"

hiliarious, just hiliarious

"Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming.

It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today.

It's about what you're going to do after you finish reading this."


Mike Dooley, a.k.a. 'The Universe' Friend and Fellow Adventurer http://inspirationpeak.com/theuniverse.html

stolen from sass...

while watching 'O' today with a famous cyclist's ex-wife, i thought about what they were saying...

how women, especially married, can sometimes lose ourselves in our 'man' or relationships. how sometimes we become 'who we think people want us to be'

this is something i have tried very hard to stay away from.

i have worked really hard on staying who i am , maybe even better with my partner but not solely because of him.
i think i've done a pretty good job at it but that was/is not always the case.

they talked about lists: your own list in life.

so i decided to write my own list of what i love, mine only:

things i love: (not in any order)

my children
hub
books
my family
my dog
flannel sheets
flannel jammies
the color pink
pork chops
turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy
reading blogs and learning about other people
tea
snuggling in bed when it's raining
absolut vodka and juice martinis
ice cream cakes
my children's laughter
my hub's blue eyes, especially the crinkle lines when he smiles
sunny days
purses/wallets
avocados
freckles
candles
hot tubs
campfires
roasted marshmallows
holidays: easter, christmas, halloween
daisies
sunflowers
blooming trees
the smell of freshly-cut grass
playing/splashing at the lake
my friends
flip flops
chocolate
my life and
myself

so unfortunately, i have another anniversary to remember at this time of the year.

no one died but on the 30th my father-in-law had a mild heart attack.

he is fine, actually doing really well. he was sent to calgary on the plane to receive more expert cardiology care and is already out of ICU.
there was no damage to his heart which is in part to the excellent care that he received here.

it was honestly just such a shock to us all as he is probably the last person we would have expected this to happen to.

he and my mil walk everyday, x-country ski in the winter, eat amazingly well, don't smoke (ever) and rarely drinks. is not the least bit overweight and is only 60.

it just shows you to never take anything for granted.

or in his own words.....enough of this healthy stuff, i'm living it up now :)

think i'll stick to his new theory :o)

I’m About To Come Alive

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I’m here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I’ve gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know
I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I’m not but you’re all I got left to believe in
Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive
And I know that it’s been hard
And it’s been a long time coming
Don’t give up on me
I’m about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don’t let them be right
After all that we’ve been through
‘Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There’s a place for me
A place with you
In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that’s seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we’ve been through
Making it ain’t making it without you

i think i'm getting to a place where i can feel different things other than just grief about my mom's death. i'm finally feeling more peaceful.

i'm feeling that i can look at her pictures, maybe even put them up without feeling such immense sadness.

today i found a ring that she bought when she was young and i received it on my 16th birthday. i decided to wear it again and instead of being sad i feel like i'm connecting with her in a way i haven't felt since she died.

as i've written before, these next months are hard for me which i can honestly say, drives me completely nuts. i hate that even if i'm not conciously remembering what time of year it is, i feel sad, angry, wack-jobish, just off in every way.

the 29th, is the day that she found out about her cancer, so that is the anniversary of the end for me. and no matter how hard i try to not feel that way , i ultimately do.

but for now, or today anyways, i'm feeling ready to remember her and even this time of year without the complete sadness that follows along.

i feel ready to honor her in ways i haven't been able to before.

in ways like wearing her ring, finding a beautiful frame to put her beautiful picture in and to also display it in my house without feeling like crying when i look at it.

funked out

i haven't updated cuz i don't want this blog to seem like this huge wah-pity part-ay.

i'm just not in a good mood or place or whatever you want to call it.

and i have know idea why.

and i'm not likin' it so much.

of course neither are my family, i'm sure.

but they're being very patient with me...

just biding their time until the men in white jackets arrive :)

If I’m not always happy, that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. It means I am doing something real.
– Laurie Seligman

borrowed :) from fragile musing

you don't say....

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences. You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people. In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long. You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

do you ever have one of those moments where you are just so disappointed in how you reacted to a situation? or how your life has turned out?

one minute you're feeling blessed, the next you just wished for most of it to be different.

that the one huge choice you made in your life feels completely like the wrong one.

that maybe you really would be better off alone as that is how you feel a lot of the time, especially at certain moments.

i feel exactly like that right now...and i hate feeeling this way and even more , i hate having to admit it.

moments like this i really want my mom.

i guess i'll have to settle for some therapy instead :)

it's spring again....

" and look mother/ i am a dark temple where your true spirit rises beautiful/and tough as chestnut "

_audre lorde

only took 10 years for this "aha" moment

you'd think that after being married for almost 4 years and being with the same man for 10, i'd already have known this but i had a true realization tonight.

he loves me.

truly loves me...

all of me, even at my worst, more so at my best i'm sure.

i don't know if there is anything that i could show him that would take that away. he's pretty much seen all of me and still he loves me.

he allows me to be me, warts and all.

no other male has ever made me feel that incredibly safe to be just me.

i love him more than i can describe for that.

copycatting

i stole this from ms. heather

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? home putting up pictures and dusting...fun stuff

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank? personally....um, can't remember, hub usually ends up doing it for me

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?almost 6000. on our new leather furniture

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes my wallet that has a pink M on it

5. When is the last time you went to the mall? probably christmas

6. Are you wearing socks right now? ya, or my feet would be their usual freezing

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000? yup, both of our vehicles are

8. When was the last time you drove out of town? last friday for our trip to innisfail

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? no, don't really like movie theatres

10. Do you get aroused easily? i think so but hub maybe be better to ask :)

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? instant french vanilla coffee

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail? a payment for binks chikadee magazine
.
13. Do you wash your car? again, usually hub does it for me, i know i'm spoiled

14. Last fast food you ate? ugh, all weekend...kids and hub like it plus travelling with a dog makes it a little harder to eat in restaurants.

15. Where were you last week at this time? probably the exact same place i'm now, in the chair in the living room

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? i wish

17. What bank do you use? isn't that a little personal?

18. Do you own any land? only what's out front and back of our house

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"? do i have to grow up??

20. Your dream vacation? somewhere hot with hub

21. Last boat ride you went on? ferry crossing over kootenay lake at christmas

22. How old are your parents? my dad will be 59 this year and my mom would've been 57

23. Are you in love? yes, or comfortably loved

24. Do you have any single friends? a few male friends not many female...maybe the awesome ms. h

25. Last play you saw? my daughter school play a couple of years ago

26. Have you been to New York? no

27. What are your plans for tonight? hanging with friends and going to an usborne book party, woo hoo

28. Last concert you went to? janet jackson in 89

29. Next trip you are going to take? no idea

30. Ever go to camp? no

31. Were you an honor roll student in school? yes

32. What is your current GPA? don't have one

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?yes the kind hub surprised with me.

34. Are you hungry? no just snacky

35. Where is your best friend located? outside shining up the truck to be sold

36. Do you own a cowboy hat? no but would like one

38 how old to you want to be when you have kids? i already have them

39. Do you collect anything? teapots

40. Is this quiz annoying? no not really

41. Last time you got pulled over? over 5 years ago, i've been a good girl

42. Ever been arrested? yes, when i was 16, on fri the 13th. a friend stole a tape but put it in my purse so i was arrested also.

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break? no would love to go

44. Do you like hot sauce? no

45. Last time you had sex? a few weeks ago, ya i know sad :(

46. Do you need to do laundry? no , just have to fold the washed laundry

47. How many friends do you have? enough

48.are you someone best friend? i hope i'm hub's and one day my kids

49. Are you rich? no in the middle comfortable

50. When was your last paycheck? last friday

"happiness is not having what you want. it is wanting what you have."

anonymous

"Although love can create intense feelings, love is not a feeling. It is a choice, an action, a way of behaving, a commitment. Love is sacrificing for others."

taken from "growing up guacamole"

really seeing yourself for who you are

do you ever wonder how some days you look in the mirror and feel thin.

and others you feel not so thin?

why is that?

today fortunately is a thin day but what i would like is to feel the same way every day.

it's funny because for years i never thought i was thin enough which is just plain dumb.

i'm 5 61/2, most of my life have weighed around 130-135 and i thought i was fat.

dumb.

i wish i embraced myself years before.

i wish every day we all could embrace ourselves more than we do.

i wonder why we don't?