Warning: this contains some bitterness and overall negativity

Dear father of my first born who has nothing to do with her for reasons unknown, other than you hate me:


There are moments that I feel the need to say so much to you. Some good, honestly mostly bad, others just sad.

I have been looking back lately and have been reminded of the relationship we did have. Not all of it was so bad. There were a lot of happy times, fun memories and also growing. It's hard for me to think about how much I did love you at that time because so much has been done to hurt me instead. But I do know it was there and it was real for me even though I wasn't very good at showing it at the time.

I have to admit that when I look at your picture, especially a recent one, I don't find you very attractive and even wonder what I did see in you. Then I remember how you could make me feel, how you could make me laugh one minute and cry the next.

How when it was good between us, it was really good.

But when it was bad...It was really bad

But we did one thing right and that was bringing our child into this world.

Well to be the bitch I can be, I actually brought her into this world with not a lot of help from you. Ya, you can see there is still a great amount of bitterness left, even 10 years later. Of course, your actions the last 10 years haven't help to alleviate any anger towards you.

Perhaps it has probably fueled it even more.

That's where I feel the most torn. Wanting to let go of all of the bad feelings towards you but not knowing how to as you keep being the complete ass you have always been.

Of being grateful one moment that I don't have to put up with you, I don't have to have any contact with you and still all the while wondering how you could and can walk away from her?

How do you not want to know her?

Don't you have questions?

I just really don't understand how you can wake up everyday, go about your day and not think of her, what she may be doing?

Maybe it's cause I'm the mom, that it's unimaginable to me to be away from my kids.

Maybe it's just not in my makeup to walk away from my responsibilities, or from which my heart was born.

Because she became my whole entire life the moment I knew she was growing inside of me. Not once was there the thought of any other plan than to raise her. No matter how hard it was going to be. No matter what I had to give up to be able to do that properly in the way I felt was best for her.

But that didn't and hasn't seem to be the same for you. Sure you pay your support and to some, the amount you pay must seem unbelievable. Honestly to me, it's sometimes seems amazing.

But on the other hand, you had the opportunity to finish university, to fulfill your dreams without having to give up anything.

But you did give up something.

You gave up the golden opportunity to help raise your child. To nurture her, to revel in the small things she could accomplish, to look at the world with a childlike way once again.

What you gave up was priceless.

You may have your dream job, be making the bling bling, but was it all worth it?

And I guess that's where my other dilemma comes in. Like I said you already pay a significant amount for her. Granted it wasn't an amicable decision on your part. Nothing ever is with you but still when credit is due , I give you that credit for paying on time or even paying it all. But now there's the new law that states you have to share your financial statements with me every year. Coincidentally today I find out you made partner in January.

Congrats by the way, I'm sure that was a great moment for you.

But see that's where I'm undecided. We both know that your income has probably increased. You've worked hard for that, I know. It must be hard to realize that every time you work hard I have the chance to take some of that monetary prize away from you. That the harder you work, the more money you make, the more you should legally be giving me. But how much is enough. Can there be a price tag on a life?

I'm married, we both have good incomes, not great, not even close to yours alone but we live comfortably. Some may even say we live quite well. So is it justifiable to want more from you? Is there the case that says no matter how well I'm living you should
still have to pay more? I just don't know.

Directly or indirectly the money benefits her. Whether it be living in a nice house, driving nice cars, having your own TV/DVD etc's. You see you may pay a monthly amount but we're the ones who give her the extras. You have not in 7-8 years bought her a Christmas present, birthday present, Easter. None of that. Some could say your cheque does that for me but does it really? I don't think so, not from my point of view anyways.

So for now I think I'll ride it out a little. See if with the new law you tell me about your promotion or not. We'll wait to see that your whether your own expertise within the law will have any influence on what you feel is the right thing to do when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and your child.

And I'm going to try and let go of the leftover anger. It's not healthy and it doesn't really benefit me any, now does it?

I'm going to try and remember the good, the love we once shared because truly that's what she's made up of and i wouldn't want her any other way.

love
the mother of your beautiful daughter